ENJOY FACEPALMS, WEIRDNESS, AND ABSURDITY OF THE BIBLE
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"God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good."
Genesis 1:25, Bible (NIV)
And made parasites, and plague, and tetanus, and cholera, and inborn diseases, and... God saw that it was good.
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"God said, 'I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.'"
Genesis 1:29, Bible (NIV)
"Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you. Just as I [God] gave you the green plants, I now give you everything."
Genesis 9:3, Bible (NIV)
"Of all the animals that live on land, these are the ones you may eat: You may eat any animal that has a divided hoof and that chews the cud."
Leviticus 11:2-3, Bible (NIV)
"Don’t you see that nothing that enters a person from the outside can defile them?"... "When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is offered to you."
Mark 7:18, Luke 10:8, Bible (NIV)
God goes back and forth as to what's on the menu for humans. Looks like God may change his mind again if he discovers the internet.
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"The Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."
Genesis 2:16-17, Bible (KJV)
And Adam ate of the fruit and did not die on that day, because sometimes God forgets what he just said.
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"The Lord God said, 'The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.'"
Genesis 3:22, Bible (NIV)
Sounds like Adam would have beaten God if he prepared a bit better and ate fruit from both trees simultaneously.
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"When human beings began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of humans were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose."
Genesis 6:1-2, Bible (NIV)
What do Zeus, Apollo, and God's angels have in common? Their lust for mortal women. Sex adventures of the former are treated as silly tales, but of the latter as divine truth.
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"The Lord said, 'My Spirit will not contend with humans forever, for they are mortal; their days will be a hundred and twenty years.'"
Genesis 6:3, Bible (NIV)
Mortal humans lived too long and were too hard for an omnipotent deity to fight, so he made them even more mortal.
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"God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark, and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded."
Genesis 8:1, Bible (NIV)
God: "Crap, I totally forgot about that Noah guy and all those animals floundering in the water for almost a year!"
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"But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower the people were building."
Genesis 11:5, Bible (NIV)
An omnipresent God needed to come down to check out what was going on because clouds were blocking the view of the Tower of Babel.
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"The four kings seized all the goods of Sodom... They also carried off Abram’s nephew Lot and his possessions... When Abram heard that his relative had been taken captive, he called out the 318 trained men born in his household... During the night Abram divided his men to attack them and he routed them, pursuing them as far as Hobah... Abram returned from defeating Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him"
Genesis 14:11-17, Bible (NIV)
318 guys from a shepherd's household defeated and pursued the professional armies of four kings at once. Sparta's 300 have much to learn from these shepherds.
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"Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people"
Genesis 17:14, Bible (NIV)
People say God looks at hearts. The Bible says God looks at penises.
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"The Lord said, 'The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know.'"
Genesis 18:20-21, Bible (NIV)
An omniscient God was confused by reports of snitches and needed to leave the office and go to the town to finally figure out what was happening there.
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"He [Abraham] said to the senior servant... 'Put your hand under my thigh. I want you to swear by the Lord'"
Genesis 24:2-3, Bible (NIV)
Milder translations hide that book really speaks of holding testicles. So the next time you promise something to a man, hold his testicles. Otherwise, it's not in a biblical way.
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"Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man ... Then the man said, 'Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.'"
Genesis 32:24-28, Bible (NIV)
Biblical God acts no different from human-like pagan deities, wasting time with wrestling matches.
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"These were the kings who reigned in Edom before any Israelite king reigned: ... Bela ... Jobab ... Husham ... Hadad ... Samlah ... Shaul ... Baal-Hanan ..."
Genesis 36:31, Bible (NIV)
The reign of Israelite kings started only after the death of the author [Moses]. How could he reference it? Just call it a prophecy.
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"I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the Lord."
Exodus 12:12, Bible (NIV)
God says that other gods actually exist; otherwise, how was he going to bring judgment on them?
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"There was thunder and lightning, with a thick cloud over the mountain... Mount Sinai was covered with smoke, because the Lord descended on it in fire. The smoke billowed up from it like smoke from a furnace, and the whole mountain trembled violently."
Exodus 19:16-18, Bible (NIV)
Zeus' manifestation in thunder and lightning is being mocked, but don't dare to be suspicious about the description of the Biblical God's descension from heaven being similar to a typical volcanic eruption.
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"The Lord descended to the top of Mount Sinai and called Moses to the top of the mountain... and the Lord said to him, 'Go down and warn the people so they do not force their way through to see the Lord and many of them perish.'"
Exodus 19:20-21, Bible (NIV)
Or they will see Moses talking to himself and carving the tablets.
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"Do not... curse the ruler of your people."
Exodus 22:28, Bible (NIV)
God's unconditional care about one wealthy ruler-guy, regardless of how he treats the population, is quite suspicious. God must have taken a bribe from the ruler for making this commandment.
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"Do not bow down before their gods or worship them or follow their practices. You must demolish them and break their sacred stones to pieces."
Exodus 23:24, Bible (NIV); similar: Deuteronomy 12:2-3
Why can't God just break their sacred stones himself? He can't because it's too hard to break stones when you are imaginary.
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"Moses then took the blood, sprinkled it on the people and said, 'This is the blood of the covenant that the Lord has made with you'"
Exodus 24:8, Bible (NIV)
Kill the animals, drain their blood and then sprinkle it on people... And they call Satanic rituals horrible.
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"The gold bells and the pomegranates are to alternate around the hem of the robe. Aaron must wear it when he ministers. The sound of the bells will be heard when he enters the Holy Place before the Lord and when he comes out, so that he will not die."
Exodus 28:34-35, Bible (NIV)
Bells and pomegranates block God's killing ability, as long as they are in the correct order. One thing out of place and you're dead.
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"In six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, and on the seventh day he rested and was refreshed."
Exodus 31:17, Bible (NIV)
God needs rest and relaxation. How many massage therapists does it take to refresh God?
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"The Lord said to Moses, '...your people, whom you brought up out of Egypt, have become corrupt...Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them...' But Moses said, '... Why should the Egyptians say, "It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth"? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people. Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Israel, to whom you swore by your own self: "I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky ..."' Then the Lord relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened."
Exodus 32:7-14, Bible (NIV)
A mortal outsmarted an infantile god. God's "justice" demanded a death penalty, but it was easily changed by the "what would the neighbors say?" argument of Moses and a reminder of God's own promise.
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"Go up to the land flowing with milk and honey. But I [God] will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way."
Exodus 33:3, Bible (NIV)
God admits to having self-control problems and a lack of omnipresent ability.
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"I [God] will put thee [Moses] in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen."
Exodus 33:22-23, Bible (KJV)
The Lord of Mooning flashes his almighty booty at Moses.
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"All the fat is the Lord's. This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live: You must not eat any fat... Anyone who eats the fat of an animal from which a food offering may be presented to the Lord must be cut off from their people."
Leviticus 3:16-17, 7:25, Bible (NIV)
Yahweh body is the new Buddha body.
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"If anyone sins and does what is forbidden in any of the Lord's commands, even though they do not know it, they are guilty and will be held responsible. They are to bring to the priest as a guilt offering a ram from the flock, one without defect and of the proper value."
Leviticus 5:17-18, Bible (NIV)
How do you know to make an offering to atone for sin, when you don't know you sinned in the first place?
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"All that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:... ye shall not eat of their flesh"
Leviticus 11:10-11, Bible (KJV)
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"The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, 'When you enter the land of Canaan... and I put a spreading mold in a house in that land... The priest is to order the house to be emptied... On the seventh day the priest shall return to inspect the house. If the mold has spread on the walls, he is to order that the contaminated stones be torn out... He must have all the inside walls of the house scraped... Then they are to take other stones to replace these and take new clay and plaster the house. If the defiling mold reappears in the house... it must be torn down... But if the priest comes to examine it and the mold has not spread after the house has been plastered, he shall pronounce the house clean, because the defiling mold is gone. To purify the house he is to take two birds... He shall kill one of the birds'"
Leviticus 14:33-50, Bible (NIV)
God's secret hobby is putting spreading mold in houses and watching people trying to get rid of it. If they succeed, God asks for a bird to be killed for him as a bonus.
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"When a man has an emission of semen, he must bathe his whole body with water, and he will be unclean till evening... When a man has sexual relations with a woman and there is an emission of semen, both of them must bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening."
Leviticus 15:16-18, Bible (NIV)
God claims to create the human body, but he says what the body naturally does makes it "unclean" till evening despite bathing. Faulty design by a faulty designer?
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"Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material."
Leviticus 19:19, Bible (NIV)
Would be great if God explained what his problem is with people wearing mixed wool and linen.
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"Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."
Leviticus 19:27, Bible (NIV)
"Make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear."
Deuteronomy 22:12, Bible (NIV)
No special haircut or tassels — no paradise.
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"If a man commits adultery with another man's wife... both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death."
Leviticus 20:10, Bible (NIV)
"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery... and said to Jesus, 'Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?' ...he said to them, 'Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.' ... At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time... he asked her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?' 'No one, sir,' she said. 'Then neither do I condemn you,' Jesus declared. 'Go now and leave your life of sin.'"
John 8:3-11, Bible (NIV)
God finally realized he overdid adultery punishment rules. A thousand+ years and thousands of unnecessary capital punishments later God decided to take it easier now.
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"You must not offer to the Lord an animal whose testicles are bruised, crushed, torn or cut."
Leviticus 22:24, Bible (NIV)
The condition of the testicles of sacrificial animals is very important to God.
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"When you go into battle in your own land against an enemy who is oppressing you, sound a blast on the trumpets. Then you will be remembered by the Lord your God and rescued from your enemies."
Numbers 10:9, Bible (NIV)
God needs a sound alert to notice a war going on. Maybe that's why God is indifferent to wars on the earth for the last few thousand years. We just forgot to blow the damn trumpet to let him know.
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"Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth."
Numbers 12:3, Bible (NIV)
Moses is claimed to be the author of it. Calling yourself the humblest man on the earth is what the humblest people normally do...
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"When there is a prophet among you, I, the Lord, reveal myself to them in visions, I speak to them in dreams."
Numbers 12:6, Bible (NIV)
God never spoke to common people directly; he only spoke through "special" chosen ones and via questionable methods. Why? You know why.
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"The Lord said to Moses, 'How long will these people [the Israelites] treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me?... I will strike them down with a plague and destroy them, but I will make you into a nation greater and stronger than they.' Moses said to the Lord, 'Then the Egyptians will hear about it!.... If you put all these people to death, leaving none alive, the nations who have heard this report about you will say, "The Lord was not able to bring these people into the land he promised them on oath, so he slaughtered them in the wilderness".... forgive the sin of these people'... The Lord replied, 'I have forgiven them, as you asked. Nevertheless... In this wilderness your bodies will fall — every one of you twenty years old or more who was counted in the census'"
Numbers 14:11-29, Bible (NIV)
God can't just let people live on their own. He wants to kill whenever his pride is wounded. But once again Moses outsmarted God using the same "what would the neighbors say?" argument that he used before, along with some adulation. God "forgave" them without any sacrifices needed, but not without extending their wandering in the desert to make all who are 20+ years old die there slowly.
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"I [God] give to the Levites as their inheritance the tithes that the Israelites present as an offering to the Lord... When you [the Levites] receive from the Israelites the tithe I give you as your inheritance, you must present a tenth of that tithe as the Lord's offering... you must give the Lord's portion to Aaron the priest... and you will not die."
Numbers 18:24-32, Bible (NIV)
... was written down by the leader of the Levites, Aaron's brother. To encourage sincere tithing a death threat was thrown in. As a result, Aaron alone will get 1% of the entire country's wealth for being a priest. How much is 1% of your country's wealth?
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"The Book of the Wars of the Lord says:..."
Numbers 21:14, Bible (NIV)
There is no such book in the collection of biblical god's books — the Bible. Did God lose it?
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"That night God came to Balaam and said, 'Since these men have come to summon you, go with them, but do only what I tell you.' Balaam got up in the morning, saddled his donkey and went with the Moabite officials. But God was very angry when he went, and the angel of the Lord stood in the road to oppose him."
Numbers 22:20-22, Bible (NIV)
God was very angry when Balaam went, but that's what he just told Balaam to do. Moody God.
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"The donkey saw me [the angel] and turned away from me these three times. If it had not turned away, I would certainly have killed you by now"
Number 22:33, Bible (NIV)
Donkeys are nimble enough to avoid attacks of the angels.
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"He hath as it were the strength of an unicorn."
Numbers 23:22, Bible (KJV)
"Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee"
Job 39:9. Bible (KJV)
"Thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns."
Psalm 22:21, Bible (KJV)
"He maketh them also to skip... like a young unicorn."
Psalm 29:6, Bible (KJV)
"The unicorns shall come down with them"
Isaiah 34:7, Bible (KJV)
God believes in unicorns.
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"He [Joshua] is to stand before Eleazar the priest, who will obtain decisions for him by inquiring of the Urim before the Lord."
Numbers 27:21, Bible (NIV)
God is incapable of giving clear answers himself. He needs doubtful intermediaries. It's uncertain how Urim looked, but its function was to give "yes" or "no" answers via a draw, working like a coin or black/white stones. Clergy claimed that God directs the draw, but in reality, people were making life and death decisions based on a random coin flip.
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"Thirty-eight years passed... By then, that entire generation of fighting men had perished from the camp, as the Lord had sworn to them. The Lord's hand was against them until he had completely eliminated them from the camp. Now when the last of these fighting men among the people had died..."
Deuteronomy 2:14-16, Bible (NIV)
This time it took God almost 40 years to kill the people he didn't like. This is a major decline in killing efficiency compared to other episodes.
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"Has any god ever tried to take for himself one nation out of another nation, by testings, by signs and wonders, by war, by a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, or by great and awesome deeds, like all the things the Lord your God did for you in Egypt?"
Deuteronomy 4:34, Bible (NIV)
Based on subsequent history, war and terrorism are the two methods God decided to stick to over the long term when dealing with foreign affairs. He abandoned the rest. Maybe he thought why bother performing "wonders and awesome deeds" when he can just command to kill everyone who disagrees?
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"Do not put the Lord your God to the test"
Deuteronomy 6:16, Bible (NIV)
"'Present your case,' says the Lord. 'Set forth your arguments... Tell us, you idols, what is going to happen. Tell us what the former things were... so we may know that you are gods. Do something, whether good or bad, so that we will be dismayed and filled with fear. But you are less than nothing'"
Isaiah 41:21-24, Bible (NIV)
Double standards are one of the most common attributes of the Abrahamic religions. The Bible tells us to thoroughly test other gods for evidence of their validity and dismiss gods which fail to prove themselves experimentally. But don't you dare to test the Biblical god.
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"You [the Israelites] are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession."
Deuteronomy 7:6, Bible (NIV)
Every nation claims to have very special relationships with "the true god" they invent or believe in. What a coincidence.
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"God... gives you the ability to produce wealth"
Deuteronomy 8:18, Bible (NIV)
Most of God's help in producing wealth goes towards the clergy of mega-churches instead of those who really need it.
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"Keep his [God's] requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always."
Deuteronomy 11:1, Bible (NIV)
"Do all I [God] command you; do not add to it or take away from it."
Deuteronomy 12:32, Bible (NIV)
Do you believe it is the right thing to murder children for disobedience, murder women for lack of virginity upon marriage, and all the other fantastic laws of biblical god in the Old Testament?
If no because you believe God's law changed, then your god can't figure out a good law from his first attempt.
If no because you believe it is applicable to the Israelites only, then your god is an unfair nationalist.
If no because you realize that the Bible is a hopelessly outdated fantasy, then share your favorite "Vice Verse" with your friends.
If yes, then you are a horrible person.
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"If a prophet, or one who foretells by dreams, appears among you and announces to you a sign or wonder, and if the sign or wonder spoken of takes place, and the prophet says, 'Let us follow other gods'... you must not listen to the words of that prophet or dreamer. The Lord your God is testing you to find out whether you love him with all your heart and with all your soul... That prophet or dreamer must be put to death."
Deuteronomy 13:1-5, Bible (NIV)
It's ironic that earlier God's arguments to believe in him were signs and wonders prophesied through Moses. Now God says when someone like Moses comes from a competing God and does the same, kill him. It's like saying "believe in me because I can do X, but don't believe in another God that can also do exactly the same". By the way, the cost of this divine test is the life of the poor guy used by God as expendable material.
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"If someone guilty of a capital offense is put to death and their body is exposed on a pole, you must not leave the body hanging on the pole overnight. Be sure to bury it that same day, because anyone who is hung on a pole is under God's curse. You must not desecrate the land"
Deuteronomy 21:22-23, Bible (NIV)
God: "murdering people for violations of my ridiculous rules is right, but desecrating the land would be immoral! So, hurry up guys to take corpses off the poles because I'm unable to stop the curse... hurry... hurry... can't stop it... aaarrrghhh... ABRACADABRA CURSE!!... Sorry folks, too late, now I screwed your land too because you didn't make it in time."
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"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord."
Deuteronomy 23:1, Bible (ESV)
God wants in his assembly only males with fully functional genitals. Any guesses why?
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"If one of your men is unclean because of a nocturnal emission, he is to go outside the camp and stay there... at sunset he may return to the camp."
Deuteronomy 23:10-11, Bible (NIV)
A biblical alternative to calling in sick: "Hello, I can't come to work today because I had a wet dream and have to stay out of town till evening".
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"When you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. For the Lord your God moves about in your camp... Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you."
Deuteronomy 23:13-14, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't like walking around piles of crap and will turn away from you if you don't keep your backyard clean.
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"If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him... he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house"
Deuteronomy 24:1, Bible (NIV)
"'Why then,' they asked, 'did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?' Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard... I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.'"
Matthew 19:7-9, Bible (NIV)
The divorce law in Deuteronomy is positioned as coming from God, but Jesus says Moses came up with it on his own to make rules fit the mood, while God's law was different. Or was it Jesus who came up with his own stuff, but Moses was right? You choose.
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"When you have finished setting aside a tenth of all your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give it to the Levite, the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and be satisfied."
Deuteronomy 26:12, Bible (NIV)
Apparently, routine tithing should be done only from the income of every third year, effectively reducing it from 10% to 3.3% of total income. Also, charity expenses are counted towards tithing. Have you heard about it in your church?
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"The Lord will bring a nation against you from far away, from the ends of the earth... a fierce-looking nation without respect for the old or pity for the young."
Deuteronomy 28:49-50, Bible (NIV)
What hypocrisy to accuse someone of a lack of pity for the young after all the episodes in the Bible when God commanded children to be murdered during the genocides that he initiated. And where are the ends of the earth after all?
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"He [God] will destroy these nations before you, and you will take possession of their land... The Lord will deliver them to you, and you must do to them all that I [Moses] have commanded you."
Deuteronomy 31:3-5, Bible (NIV)
God's military plans surprisingly coincide with the political ambitions of the rulers. Seneca said it well: "Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful."
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"When the Most High gave the nations their inheritance, when he divided all mankind, he set up boundaries for the peoples according to the number of the sons of Israel."
Deuteronomy 32:8, Bible (NIV)
What an arrogant claim... Anyway, would be interesting to know how the number of those middle-eastern nomadic shepherds defined God's decisions in setting boundaries for Australian aboriginals.
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"Moses the servant of the Lord died there in Moab, as the Lord had said. He [God] buried him in Moab, in the valley opposite Beth Peor, but to this day no one knows where his grave is... Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses"
Deuteronomy 34:5-10, Bible (NIV)
It is claimed that Moses wrote the Pentateuch. Describing his own death and divine burial can be excused by considering it a prophecy. But the "to this day" time reference related to the long-lasting mystery of his grave directly indicates that the snapshot was taken at a much later time. Also, he was arrogant enough to add that no prophet after him was able to match him, again in the past tense.
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"Joshua... sent two spies... They went and entered the house of a prostitute named Rahab and stayed there... The king of Jericho sent this message to Rahab: 'Bring out the [Israelite] men who came to you... they have come to spy out the whole land.' But the woman had taken the two men and hidden them. She said, 'Yes, the men came to me, but I did not know where they had come from. At dusk, when it was time to close the city gate, they left. I don't know which way they went. Go after them quickly. You may catch up with them.' (But she had taken them up to the roof and hidden them under the stalks of flax)"
Joshua 2:1-6, Bible (NIV)
"Was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction?"
James 2:25, Bible (NIV)
God: "Phew... thanks, Rahab, I don't know what I would have done without you. I owe you one, how about granting you righteousness for lying for me? Remember, lies become good when done in my interests".
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"The Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."
Judges 1:19, Bible (KJV)
Almighty God can't beat chariots of iron.
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"Will you not take [land] what your god Chemosh gives you? Likewise, whatever [land] the Lord our God has given us, we will possess."
Judges 11:24, Bible (NIV)
Gods Chemosh and Yahweh divided their areas of influence like mafia bosses.
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"The Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him [Samson]. He went down to Ashkelon, struck down thirty of their men, stripped them of everything and gave their clothes to those who had explained the riddle."
Judges 14:19, Bible (NIV)
Guests of Samson's party found the answer to his riddle about the lion and honey. So, Samson, driven by the Spirit of the Lord, killed 30 random people to rob them of their clothes in order to give guests their reward. What a great Spirit!
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"Make models of the tumors and of the rats that are destroying the country, and give glory to Israel's god. Perhaps he will lift his hand from you and your gods and your land."
1 Samuel 6:5, Bible (NIV)
Some believe that biblical practices are free from paganism and superstition, but gods fighting each other and people making models of tumors and rats to make them go away is exactly that.
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"Get a new cart ready, with two cows that have calved and have never been yoked. Hitch the cows to the cart, but take their calves away and pen them up... Send it on its way, but keep watching it. If it goes up to its own territory, toward Beth Shemesh, then the Lord has brought this great disaster on us. But if it does not, then we will know that it was not his hand that struck us but that it happened to us by chance."
1 Samuel 6:7-9, Bible (NIV)
God requires a calved but unyoked cow experiment to tell people if it was he who brought the disaster or not. Is he mute or illiterate? Also, anyone can set experiments with the same credibility, e.g. "if the dice rolls 1, it was god Odin who did this or that". After a few such trials sooner or later you'll get a "sign" from Odin with 1 on the dice.
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"The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied in the midst of the house"
1 Samuel 18:10, Bible (KJV)
Sometimes God outsources his prophecies to evil spirits. Maybe that's why prophecies have such a poor fulfillment rate.
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"The Spirit of God came even on him [Saul]... He stripped off his garments, and he too prophesied in Samuel's presence. He lay naked all that day and all that night."
1 Samuel 19:23-24, Bible (NIV)
The Spirit of God makes people lie naked on the floor for a day and night and "prophesy". True biblical worship. Even Pentecostal services are not weird enough to match it.
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"Abner said to Joab, Let the young men now arise, and play before us. And Joab said, Let them arise... twelve of Benjamin... and twelve of the servants of David. And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow's side; so they fell down together"
2 Samuel 2:14-16, Bible (KJV)
What a great biblical "play". God watched it too, with no objections. Do you want to do one of these at your Sunday school?
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"David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul, he shall be chief and captain."
2 Samuel 5:8, Bible (KJV)
The Bible says that David was a man after God's heart. He hated people with physical limitations and rewarded those who kill the handicapped. Same as God did (e.g. Leviticus 21:16-23).
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"David then took up residence in the fortress and called it the City of David... And he became more and more powerful, because the Lord God Almighty was with him... David took more concubines and wives in Jerusalem"
2 Samuel 5:9-13, Bible (NIV)
The degree of God's patronage in someone's life is measured in the Bible by the size of the territory conquered and the number of females for mating. God didn't get far from animals. So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel...
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"When David returned... Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, 'How the king of Israel [David] has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!' David said to Michal, 'It was before the Lord, who chose me'... And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death."
2 Samuel 6:20-23, Bible (NIV)
This story of sterilization for questioning a religious authority may seem like not a big deal, but stories like this reinforce the following idea: questioning "God's people" is wrong and dangerous. These stories tell people to dismiss their judgment in favor of a religious representative because the con must keep going. The entire Bible is soaked with it; this is just one example.
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"By the word of the Lord one of the company of the prophets said to his companion, 'Strike me with your weapon,' but he refused. So the prophet said, 'Because you have not obeyed the Lord, as soon as you leave me a lion will kill you.' And after the man went away, a lion found him and killed him."
1 Kings 20:35-36, Bible (NIV)
Just read this biblical passage and enjoy the absurdity of it.
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"He [king] sent to [prophet] Elijah a captain with his company of fifty men. The captain went up to Elijah, who was sitting on the top of a hill, and said to him, 'Man of God, the king says, "Come down!"' Elijah answered the captain, 'If I am a man of God, may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!' Then fire fell from heaven and consumed the captain and his men. At this the king sent to Elijah another captain with his fifty men. The captain said to him, 'Man of God, this is what the king says, "Come down at once!"' 'If I am a man of God,' Elijah replied, 'may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!' Then the fire of God fell from heaven and consumed him and his fifty men."
2 Kings 1:9-12, Bible (NIV)
Burning people to death for no reason is a great way to prove you are a man of God. Magical fire from heaven can save you the effort of building your own bonfires.
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"He [prophet Elisha] said... 'This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord; he will also deliver Moab into your hands. You will overthrow every fortified city and every major town'... And the Israelites invaded the land and slaughtered the Moabites... When the king of Moab saw that the battle had gone against him... he took his firstborn son, who was to succeed him as king, and offered him as a sacrifice on the city wall. The fury against Israel was great; they withdrew and returned to their own land."
2 Kings 3:18-27, Bible (NIV)
Biblical deity Yahweh promised he will help slaughter and defeat Moabites, but a human sacrifice by Moabites incapacitated him, and Moabites weren't defeated.
3 religious options:
1) God Yahweh enjoyed this human sacrifice so much that he decided to break his promise;
2) God of Moabites helped them after the sacrifice, meaning he is stronger than Yahweh;
3) Angry Moabites can beat Yahweh.
In any case, Yahweh failed.
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"Elisha, the prophet who is in Israel, tells the king of Israel the very words you [the king of Aram] speak in your bedroom."
2 Kings 6:12, Bible (NIV)
God is snitching for the king of Israel, but as always, can't pass the info himself, so he drops it off at Elisha's location.
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"[Prophet] Elisha answered, 'Go and say to him, "You will certainly recover." Nevertheless, the Lord has revealed to me that he will in fact die.'"
2 Kings 8:10, Bible (NIV)
God's authorized prophet instructs the messenger to lie.
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"The prophet poured the oil on Jehu's head and declared... 'the God of Israel, says... "You are to destroy the house of Ahab your master... every last male"'... Then he opened the door and ran. When Jehu went out to his fellow officers, one of them asked him, 'Is everything all right? Why did this maniac come to you?'"
2 Kings 9:6-11, Bible (NIV)
Finally, someone in the Bible made an adequate assessment. God's prophets are maniacs.
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"The driving is like that of Jehu son of Nimshi — he drives like a maniac."
2 Kings 9:20, Bible (NIV)
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"In the twenty-third year of Joash son of Ahaziah king of Judah, Jehoahaz son of Jehu became king of Israel in Samaria, and he reigned seventeen years... In the thirty-seventh year of Joash king of Judah, Jehoash son of Jehoahaz became king of Israel in Samaria"
2 Kings 13:1,10, Bible (NIV)
23+17=40, not 37 as God thinks
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"He [Elisha] said, 'Take the arrows,' and the king took them. Elisha told him, 'Strike the ground.' He struck it three times and stopped. The man of God [Elisha] was angry with him and said, 'You should have struck the ground five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram and completely destroyed it. But now you will defeat it only three times.'"
2 Kings 13:18-19, Bible (NIV)
This pretty much reflects God's immature thinking. He puts people into ambiguous conditions, a.k.a. life: he wants them to solve a "find me" riddle, leaving no reasonable clues, no evidence of himself and not even a reason to keep looking; then he watches people trying their best; and at the end screws them for not doing it the way he expected.
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"As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move out to battle, because that will mean God has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army."
1 Chronicles 14:15, Bible (NIV)
When God goes to kill many people, the trees make marching sounds. Everything is beautiful in this true story.
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"The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six"
1 Chronicles 25:3, Bible (KJV)
Math problems in the Bible are nothing new, but come on... counting 5 (not 6) names of sons should be within God's capability. More recent translations have one more name on the list. God finally noticed the gap.
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"Solomon went up to the bronze altar before the Lord in the tent of meeting and offered a thousand burnt offerings on it. That night God appeared to Solomon and said to him, 'Ask for whatever you want me to give you.'"
2 Chronicles 1:6-7, Bible (NIV)
It takes the burning of 1000 animals to trigger God to fulfill a wish. How does the rest of the price list look?
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"Thirty and two years old was he [Jehoram] when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years... And the inhabitants of Jerusalem made Ahaziah his youngest son king in his stead... Forty and two years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign."
2 Chronicles 21:20-22:2, Bible (KJV)
Biblical math works in mysterious ways: the father is 2 years younger than the son. The father Jehoram was 32 when he began to reign, and he reigned for 8 years, so he was 40 years old when his son Ahaziah took the kingship over at age 42.
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"The Levites [priests] are to station themselves around the king, each with weapon in hand. Anyone who enters the temple is to be put to death. Stay close to the king wherever he goes."
2 Chronicles 23:7, Bible (NIV)
God can't protect the kings without the help of religious mortals. At the same time, God tends to need the help of the kings to protect his religion. Unification of the church and the government is a "win-win" solution for the church administration and the rulers, but people are left with the "lose" after all.
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"Jehoiachin was eight years old when he began to reign, and he reigned three months and ten days in Jerusalem: and he did that which was evil in the sight of the Lord."
2 Chronicles 36:9, Bible (KJV)
God is unfamiliar with stages of human development. He holds an 8-year-old kid accountable for neglecting religious rules.
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"Now in the first year of Cyrus king of Persia... he [Cyrus] made a proclamation..., he [God] hath charged me to build him a house in Jerusalem, which is in Judah. Who is there among you of all his people? The Lord his God be with him, and let him go up."
2 Chronicles 36:22-23, Bible (KJV)
"Now in the first year of Cyrus king of Persia... he [Cyrus] made a proclamation..., he [God] hath charged me to build him a house at Jerusalem, which is in Judah. Who is there among you of all his people? his God be with him, and let him go up to Jerusalem, which is in Judah, and build the house of the Lord God of Israel"
Ezra 1:1-3, Bible (KJV)
The last few verses of 2 Chronicles are the same as the first few verses of Ezra (condensed here). But there is a funny twist: the last sentence of 2 Chronicles is cut off in the middle; it's not finished. Even if this copy-paste is intentional, God forgot to finish the last sentence of 2 Chronicles.
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"This was the [temple] inventory: gold dishes 30, silver dishes 1,000, silver pans 29, gold bowls 30, matching silver bowls 410, other articles 1,000. In all, there were 5,400 articles of gold and of silver."
Ezra 1:9-11, Bible (NIV)
30+1000+29+30+410+1000=2499, not 5400
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"You have no authority to impose taxes, tribute or duty on any of the priests, Levites, musicians, gatekeepers, temple servants or other workers at this house of God."
Ezra 7:24, Bible (NIV)
Because biblical religion wants to exist at the cost of others, producing only worthless fairy tales in return.
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"I [prophet Nehemiah] consulted with myself"
Nehemiah 5:7, Bible (KJV)
Consulting with himself is not good psychological news for prophet Nehemiah. Multiple personality disorder?
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"Many people of other nationalities became Jews because fear of the Jews had seized them."
Esther 8:17, Bible (NIV)
If you support this biblical conversion method, would you also support people becoming Muslims because fear of the Muslims had seized them? You may think there is a difference, but there is none.
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"He [Job] still maintains his integrity, though you [Satan] incited me [God] against him to ruin him without any reason."
Job 2:3, Bible (NIV)
Apparently, Satan can incite God to do things without any reason.
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"God looks down from heaven on all mankind... there is no one who does good, not even one."
Psalm 14:2-3 = Psalm 53:2-3, Bible (NIV)
Dirty biblical lies, trying to instill the feeling of worthlessness to manipulate a person. Every day plenty of people do plenty of good things without asking for anything in return. Unlike God, who demands active praise for the slightest help or for nothing at all.
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"The chariots of God are twenty thousand, even thousands of angels"
Psalm 68:17, Bible (KJV)
God has 20,000 chariots for angels, parked at the heavenly garage for emergency situations.
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"Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake... let none dwell in their tents."
Psalm 69:23-25, Bible (KJV)
A holy prayer of a holy psalmist, asking God to bring blindness, intestinal discomfort, and eventually death to unaccommodating neighbors. Not peace, but disease and death.
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"Thou brakest the heads of the dragons"
Psalm 74:13, Bible (KJV)
"The dragon shalt thou trample under feet"
Psalm 91:13, Bible (KJV)
"In the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes."
Isaiah 35:7, Bible (KJV)
"The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls"
Isaiah 43:20, Bible (KJV)
"Hazor shall be a dwelling for dragons"
Jeremiah 49:33, Bible (KJV)
God believes in dragons.
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"He [God] rained down manna for the people to eat, he gave them the grain of heaven. Human beings ate the bread of angels"
Psalm 78:24-25, Bible (NIV)
Apparently, angels eat food. Also, if manna is the bread of angels, does it produce the poop of angels? How do heavenly WCs look? Do they use toilet paper? So many questions...
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"The wrath of God came upon them, and slew the fattest of them"
Psalm 78:31, Bible (KJV)
God starts killing fat people when he gets angry.
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"How long, Lord?... Pour out your wrath on the nations that do not acknowledge you, on the kingdoms that do not call on your name"
Psalm 79:5-6, Bible (NIV)
Another holy prayer of a holy psalmist, asking God to harm the infidels.
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"God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods."
Psalm 82:1, Bible (KJV)
"Worship him, all you gods!"
Psalm 97:7, Bible (NIV)
Because of its polytheistic roots, the Old Testament from time to time says that there are many legitimate gods with Yahweh being not the only one, but one of many. The strongest one, of course.
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"In wisdom you [God] made them all; the earth is full of your creatures."
Psalm 104:24, Bible (NIV)
Tapeworms and bacteria that make children blind took especially much of God's wisdom to create.
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"No one living is righteous before you [God]."
Psalm 143:2, Bible (NIV)
Given how unreasonable, immoral, and brutal are many of God's 613 commandments, it is great that no one is following all of them 100%.
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"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"
Proverbs 3:5, Bible (NIV)
The biblical religion wants you to turn off your brain and swallow whatever the Bible tells you because reasoning makes people abandon it.
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"A divine sentence is in the lips of the king: his mouth transgresseth not in judgment."
Proverbs 16:10, Bible (KJV)
"When a king sits on his throne to judge, he winnows out all evil with his eyes."
Proverbs 20:8, Bible (NIV)
God is unaware of the real historical quality of kings' judgments. He just keeps running commercials of the rulers in exchange for governmental support.
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"Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness."
Proverbs 16:31, Bible (NIV)
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"Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being."
Proverbs 20:30, Bible (NIV)
Ahhh... that good ol' holy purge through beatings, blows, and wounds.
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"Every man shall kiss his lips that giveth a right answer."
Proverbs 24:26, Bible (KJV)
"Greet one another with a holy kiss."
2 Corinthians 13:12, Bible (NIV)
"Greet all God’s people with a holy kiss."
1 Thessalonians 5:26, Bible (NIV)
Imagine churches following these direct biblical instructions. But they won't, because cherry-picking is strong with them.
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"Those who trust in themselves are fools"
Proverbs 28:26, Bible (NIV)
Still much better than trusting in an outdated book of mostly immoral myths, promoted by mostly corrupt priests.
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"In that day the Lord will use a razor hired from beyond the Euphrates River — the king of Assyria — to shave your head and private parts."
Isaiah 7:20, Bible (NIV)
God — the private parts barber.
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"The Lord rides on a swift cloud"
Isaiah 19:1, Bible (NIV)
Another true biblical story.
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"The Lord said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder... So shall the king of Assyria lead away the Egyptians prisoners... naked and barefoot, even with their buttocks uncovered"
Isaiah 20:3-4, Bible (KJV)
When God wants to tell people something especially important, he makes his prophets walk naked for 3 years with buttocks uncovered. So, the next time you see a naked guy on the street telling you strange things, do what he says, he must be God's prophet.
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"The Lord shall rise up... that he may do his work, his strange work; and bring to pass his act, his strange act."
Isaiah 28:21, Bible (KJV)
Strange God does strange works and strange acts. It's no surprise that his followers tend to do strange things too.
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"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"
Isaiah 55:8-9, Bible (NIV)
The Bible uses the cheap trick "you are nothing, God knows best" to be in control of people and prevent them from questioning it, and it works. For example, when people think of horrific acts of God in the Bible, they often excuse them by saying those were God's special "ways" and "thoughts". But in reality, those were just a reflection of the primitive violent religious culture of the time when texts were fabricated. Any decent person raises eyebrows today reading through the Old Testament human meat grinder, but then there is God's "my ways are higher than your ways" to numb reasoning.
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"They said... 'Come, let’s attack him [Jeremiah] with our tongues and pay no attention to anything he says'... Lord... Give their children over to famine; hand them over to the power of the sword. Let their wives be made childless and widows; let their men be put to death, their young men slain by the sword in battle."
Jeremiah 18:18-21, Bible (NIV)
God's prophet sends divine love to his disrespectful ideological opponents.
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"Cursed be the man who brought my father the news, who made him very glad, saying, 'A child is born to you — a son!' May that man be like the towns the Lord overthrew without pity. May he hear wailing in the morning, a battle cry at noon. For he did not kill me in the womb, with my mother as my grave"
Jeremiah 20:15-17, Bible (NIV)
God's prophet curses the person for not aborting him. And there was only one way of abortion in those days — by taking the life of the mother.
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"I [God] will give all your countries into the hands of my servant Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon... All nations will serve him... If, however, any nation or kingdom will not serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon or bow its neck under his yoke, I will punish that nation with the sword, famine and plague, declares the Lord, until I destroy it by his hand."
Jeremiah 27:6-8, Bible (NIV)
God takes the side of whoever is the strongest regional ruler at the time, and then God tries to take the credit for the military successes of that ruler. In reality, this is just a weak attempt by religious representatives to make it look as if their God is in control.
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"The Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: 'I am about to bring punishment on Amon god of Thebes, on Pharaoh, on Egypt and her gods'"
Jeremiah 46:25, Bible (NIV)
Judaism — the foundation of Christianity — came from paganism, and some of its echoes are still in the book. E.g. this conflict between gods to show off Yahweh's superiority over his peers.
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"I have heard a rumour from the Lord"
Jeremiah 49:14, Bible (KJV)
God: "Hey, Jeremiah, I got a fresh rumour for you. Not sure if it's true, but you'll love it anyway."
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"You [God] have covered yourself with anger and pursued us; you have slain without pity. You have covered yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can get through."
Lamentations 3:43-44, Bible (NIV)
Think about it: the Bible says that God covered himself with a cloud to prevent prayers from reaching him so that he could continue slaying without pity. Brilliant at all levels!
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"I [prophet Ezekiel] saw... in the fire was what looked like four living creatures. In appearance their form was human, but each of them had four faces and four wings... Each of the four had the face of a human being, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle... They each had two wings spreading out upward, each wing touching that of the creature on either side; and each had two other wings covering its body... Fire moved back and forth among the creatures... and lightning flashed out of it. The creatures sped back and forth like flashes of lightning... I saw a wheel on the ground beside each creature with its four faces... Their rims were high and awesome, and all four rims were full of eyes all around... the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.... high above on the throne was a figure like that of a man.. like glowing metal, as if full of fire... Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him."
Ezekiel 1:5-28, Bible (NIV)
This description is suspiciously similar to experiences that occur under the influence of certain drugs or mental illnesses. But hey, who are we to question God's prophet who saw wheels full of eyes that contain spirits of four-faced creatures speeding back and forth like flashes of lightning?
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"Lie on your left side and put the sin of the people of Israel upon yourself. You [Ezekiel] are to bear their sin for the number of days you lie on your side. ... for 390 days... After you have finished this, lie down again, this time on your right side, and bear the sin of the people of Judah. I [God] have assigned you 40 days... Turn your face toward the siege of Jerusalem and with bared arm prophesy against her."
Ezekiel 4:4-7, Bible (NIV)
Why does God tell the prophets to do weird things that resemble insanity? Are you sure you want to trust your life in the opinions of people who are hearing voices and behave weirdly?
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"Thou [Ezekiel] shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight... Then said I, Ah Lord God! behold, my soul hath not been polluted... Then he said unto me, Lo, I have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith."
Ezekiel 4:12-15, Bible (KJV)
God tells Ezekiel to bake and eat bread made of human excrement. He allowed Ezekiel to replace it with cow excrement, but it doesn't make it any saner. There was enough food to go around.
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"Their whole body, and their backs, and their hands, and their wings, and the wheels, were full of eyes round about, even the wheels that they four had. As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel. And every one had four faces: the first face was the face of a cherub, and the second face was the face of a man, and the third the face of a lion, and the fourth the face of an eagle."
Ezekiel 10:12-14, Bible (KJV)
In addition to hallucinations and other problems, one of the effects of schizophrenia is that a person can't distinguish between his own thoughts and external voices. A person hears his own thoughts as if he hears another person talking. Most of the prophets most likely were schizophrenics at varying degrees of severity, hearing voices and believing they hear a god, but not realizing they're speaking to themselves. Those who were very sick were treated as possessed by demons, but those not as badly impacted could still operate in society, and people bought into their hallucinatory "prophetic" nonsense due to a lack of knowledge.
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"I [God] passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood... You grew and developed and entered puberty. Your breasts had formed and your hair had grown, yet you were stark naked. Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you"
Ezekiel 16:6-8, Bible (NIV)
What a great subject for the next Sunday school lesson.
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"If a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not [blah-blah]... neither hath come near to a menstruous woman"
Ezekiel 18:5-6, Bible (KJV)
In order to be just in God's eyes, you need to avoid approaching menstruous women. So, every day you come to work, make sure to ask all female co-workers if they're menstruous so that you could keep away from those who are and maintain your righteousness.
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"She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."
Ezekiel 23:20, Bible (NIV)
God's wet dreams.
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"Thou shalt... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord God."
Ezekiel 23:34, Bible (KJV)
God, calm down.
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"Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned. Then set it empty upon the coals thereof, that the brass of it may be hot, and may burn, and that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire. In thy filthiness is lewdness: because I have purged thee, and thou wast not purged, thou shalt not be purged from thy filthiness any more, till I have caused my fury to rest upon thee. I the Lord have spoken it"
Ezekiel 24:10-14, Bible (KJV)
A special recipe from God: burnt flesh and scum of filthy people, spiced well.
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"You will die the death of the uncircumcised at the hands of foreigners. I have spoken, declares the Sovereign Lord."
Ezekiel 28:10, Bible (NIV)
God thinks that lack of foreskin greatly improves the death experience.
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"They will know that I am the Lord, when I set fire to Egypt"
Ezekiel 30:8, Bible (NIV)
Sheesh... God the arsonist thinks that Egyptians will see their neighborhood on fire and go: "Jeez... it must be that barely-known minor god of that barely-known distant tribe who set our town on fire. Most of us never even heard of him, and there are many different gods around, but it must be him!" God's wishful thinking.
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"Son of man [Ezekiel], I [God] have made you a watchman for the people of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me."
Ezekiel 33:7, Bible (NIV)
God is so incapable of doing anything himself that he needs the help of people to even give a warning. And if God uses avatars — prophets — as communication vessels anyway, then why not just use a form of an immortal master-prophet-super-avatar or something so that people had a reason to listen and could unambiguously interact with it until now? But God never did and never will, for the same reason why characters of fairy tales never do.
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"This is what the Sovereign Lord says to the mountains and hills, to the ravines and valleys... 'I speak in my jealous wrath because you have suffered the scorn of the nations... I swear with uplifted hand that the nations around you will also suffer scorn.'"
Ezekiel 36:4-7, Bible (NIV)
God talks to mountains, hills, ravines, and valleys about his revenge plans.
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"The Sovereign Lord says: Call out to every kind of bird and all the wild animals: 'Assemble and come together from all around to the sacrifice I am preparing for you... You will eat the flesh of mighty men and drink the blood of the princes of the earth... you will eat fat till you are glutted and drink blood till you are drunk. At my table you will eat your fill of horses and riders, mighty men and soldiers of every kind'"
Ezekiel 39:17-20, Bible (NIV)
Yummy.
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"The Sovereign Lord says: No foreigner uncircumcised in heart and flesh is to enter my sanctuary, not even the foreigners who live among the Israelites."
Ezekiel 44:9, Bible (NIV)
God hates uncircumcised people. There must have been a special job to check the condition of the foreskins of those who are about to enter the sanctuary. Seriously, there had to be dick-control at the entrance.
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"God had brought [prophet] Daniel into favour and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs."
Daniel 1:9, Bible (KJV)
Oh la la, God the pimp.
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"I, [prophet] Daniel, was troubled in spirit, and the visions that passed through my mind disturbed me... I, Daniel, was deeply troubled by my thoughts, and my face turned pale, but I kept the matter to myself."
Daniel 7:15, 28, Bible (NIV)
Back in the day, people thought that minds troubled by disturbing visions were communicating with God. They didn't know about mental illnesses at that time. Letting hallucinations of madmen define your world views could be excusable in the past, but there is no excuse for it today.
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"They have made princes, and I [God] knew it not"
Hosea 8:4, Bible (KJV)
Sorry, God, that they didn't tell you, and you didn't know.
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"Woe to you who... improvise on musical instruments."
Amos 6:1-5, Bible (NIV)
God doesn't like musicians who improvise.
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"Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish."
Jonah 1:3, Bible (NIV)
Prophet Jonah had no idea about God's omnipresence. Since this prophet lacks a good working knowledge of God's characteristics, how can you believe that other things he and other prophets say about God are true?
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"Let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and cry mightily unto God: yea, let them turn every one from his evil way"
Jonah 3:8, Bible (KJV)
God accuses animals of evil ways and expects them to cry to him in repentance.
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"Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds!... Therefore thus saith the Lord; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil"
Micah 2:1-3, Bible (KJV)
God: "It's bad to devise evil plans. Unless I do it. Then it's OK"
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"At that time I [God] will search Jerusalem with lamps and punish those who are complacent"
Zephaniah 1:12, Bible (NIV)
God has a hard time seeing in darkness, so he needs lamps to search for complacent people.
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"'The silver is mine and the gold is mine,' declares the Lord"
Haggai 2:8, Bible (NIV)
The prophets are for profit.
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"The seven eyes of the Lord that range throughout the earth will rejoice when they see the chosen capstone in the hand of Zerubbabel"
Zechariah 4:10, Bible (NIV)
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"An abomination is committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah... hath married the daughter of a strange god. The Lord will cut off the man that doeth this"
Malachi 2:11-12, Bible (KJV)
When you meet a daughter of a strange god, be careful not to marry her, or else god Yahweh will beat the crap out of you.
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"You rob me [God]... in tithes and offerings. You are under a curse... because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe"
Malachi 3:8-10, Bible (NIV)
Almighty God is unable to make money, so he needs yours.
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"An angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. 'Get up,' he said, 'take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him.'... And he [Herod] gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under"
Matthew 2:13-16, Bible (NIV)
God tells Joseph to run away because God is too weak to stop the massacre of infants.
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"I [Jesus] am sending you [the disciples] out... Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death."
Matthew 10:16-21, Bible (NIV)
Jesus tries to make it look as if it's only the terrible infidels that will do all that to his believers, but he forgets to mention that a lot of it will be done in his name, driven by sincere faith in him, promoted by the xenophobic book that his father left to people.
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"All the Prophets and the Law prophesied until John [the Baptist]... he is the Elijah who was to come."
Matthew 11:13-14, Bible (NIV)
"I [Jesus] tell you, Elijah has already come, and they did not recognize him, but have done to him everything they wished... Then the disciples understood that he was talking to them about John the Baptist."
Matthew 17:12-13, Bible (NIV)
Jesus directly teaches reincarnation. Surprise!
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"Jesus said, 'I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.'"
Matthew 11:25 = Luke 10:21, Bible (NIV)
It has nothing to do with the Lord of heaven. It has to do with the ability of wise and learned to rationally analyze claims and dismiss groundless ones — religious.
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"Some Pharisees and teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, 'Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They don't wash their hands before they eat!'... Jesus called the crowd to him and said, '...What goes into someone's mouth does not defile them'"
Matthew 15:1-11, Bible (NIV); similar: Mark 7:5-15
The supreme omniscient deity came to people from another dimension and gave the worst medical advice possible — to not wash hands before meals. They ate with hands back then. Why is God unaware of microorganisms? Because he was created by people who were unaware of them.
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"Woe unto the world because of offences!"
Matthew 18:7, Bible (KJV)
Blame yourself, God, for creating it this way!
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"Do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and he is in heaven."
Matthew 23:9, Bible (NIV)
OK, how are we supposed to call our male parents then? In any case, no matter which another word you select, it would likely fall into the same category and can't be used.
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"Jesus took bread... saying, 'Take and eat; this is my body.' Then he took a cup... saying, 'Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood'"
Matthew 26:26-28, Bible (NIV); similar: Mark 14:22-24, Luke 22:19-20
"Jesus said to them, 'Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them.'"
John 6:53-56, Bible (NIV)
Whether literally or figuratively, cannibalism is generally bad. Unless it's Christian cannibalism. Then it's good.
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"People can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin."
Mark 3:28-29, Bible (NIV); similar: Matthew 12:31-32, Luke 12:10
These passages have broken many lives of believers who inadvertently said something that they interpreted as blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, and then they lived tormented by the fear of hell for their "unforgivable sin". For no reason.
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"Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God"
Luke 2:52, Bible (NIV)
God grew in favor with himself?... OK... God also grew in wisdom? Isn't he supposed to be uber-wise already? Anyway, it's about time to smarten up, given the long record of his catastrophically poor judgment calls in the Old Testament.
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"Whoever listens to you [Jesus' messengers] listens to me [Jesus]; whoever rejects you rejects me; but whoever rejects me rejects him who sent me."
Luke 10:16, Bible (NIV)
Is this what some priests quote to children being molested?
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"Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations."
Luke 16:9, Bible (KJV)
This advice is nonsense in the context of Christianity, but God didn't bother keeping the narration or the translations clean.
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"He [Abraham] said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.'"
Luke 16:31, Bible (NIV)
Logical fallacies. The bible is full of them. Here Abraham commits the Slippery Slope fallacy straight from paradise.
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"Jesus replied, 'Have I not chosen you, the Twelve [disciples]? Yet one of you is a devil!'"
John 6:70, Bible (NIV)
"Satan entered Judas, called Iscariot, one of the Twelve. And Judas went to the chief priests and the officers of the temple guard and discussed with them how he might betray Jesus."
Luke 22:3-4, Bible (NIV)
"Was there ever a prophet your ancestors [the Israelites] did not persecute? They even killed those who predicted the coming of the Righteous One. And now you have betrayed and murdered him [Jesus]"
Acts 7:52, Bible (NIV)
"We declare God's wisdom... None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory."
1 Corinthians 2:7-8, Bible (NIV)
The irony is that Satan made salvation happen. Believers should thank him and Judas for arranging the sacrifice for their sins. Wasn't it God's goal to make Jesus a sacrifice? But logic and religion rarely meet, so, the Bible blames and condemns Satan, and Judas, and Jews in general for the deed that ensured the salvation of humanity.
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"Now, Father, glorify me [Jesus] in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began... Father, I want those you have given me... to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world."
John 17:5, 24, Bible (NIV)
Jesus clearly wanted to be glorified in front of people. Why was it done in front of a few disciples instead of a public representation to be included in Roman governmental records? Is that because you can easily fake a story about the one and not the other?
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"Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'"
John 20:29, Bible (NIV)
"We live by faith, not by sight."
2 Corinthians 5:7, Bible (NIV)
"We are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?"
Romans 8:24, Bible (KJV)
The Bible fosters faith with no objective evidence simply because biblical god can't provide it.
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"He [Jesus] was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight... Suddenly two men dressed in white stood beside them... they said... 'This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.'"
Acts 1:9-11, Bible (NIV)
Jesus will be descending from a cloud down to earth at a specific place. What if a random plane hit him on his way down?
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"The Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved."
Acts 2:47, Bible (KJV)
"The things which the Gentiles sacrifice, they sacrifice to devils, and not to God"
1 Corinthians 10:20, Bible (KJV)
"When the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth?"
Luke 18:8, Bible (KJV)
When Christianity gains popularity in a certain area, people say that God is working and it's a revival driven by him. But when other religions are also having a revival, it's apparently Satan's work. But most people from those other religions think exactly the opposite. And when Christianity is being abandoned, it's "the last days", as prophesied. Curiously enough, the apostasy of "the last days" in one area somehow coincides with a revival somewhere else. Revivals and apostasies are correlated with the dynamics of social conditions. They're all about psychology and nothing about God, Satan, or "the last days".
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"All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own... There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need."
Acts 4:32-35, Bible (NIV)
It sounds great, but this is not a sustainable model. Charity is great, but funding existing members by sales of property of the new members is a classic financial "pyramid". Such models work only for the short term and all inevitably end the same way. That's why most churches prefer to keep the money for the needs of the administration and let the believers figure out where to get more on their own. At the same time, God is broke and has no funds himself to help children dying of starvation.
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"Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 'Look,' he said, 'I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.'"
Acts 7:55-56, Bible (NIV)
In a group of people when one person sees something that others don't see it should raise concerns, not reverence.
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"He [Peter] became hungry and wanted something to eat, and while the meal was being prepared, he fell into a trance. He saw heaven opened and something like a large sheet being let down to earth by its four corners. It contained all kinds of four-footed animals, as well as reptiles and birds. Then a voice told him, 'Get up, Peter. Kill and eat... Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.'"
Acts 10:13-15, Bible (NIV)
A guy fell into a hunger trance, started hallucinating, and heard voices telling him to kill and eat. A major doctrine of salvation eligibility of Gentiles was derived from it. How do you distinguish between a person receiving God's message and having a hallucination? Easy. Whatever fits your views is God's message. Whatever doesn't fit is a hallucination.
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"They... worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator... Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another."
Romans 1:25-27, Bible (NIV)
God converts idolaters to homosexuals by force.
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"There is no one who understands... All [people] have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one. Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know."
Romans 3:11-17, Bible (NIV)
Can you really say that everyone you know, everyone you love, everyone you have ever met, matches these characteristics? Are your parents like this? Are your children like this? Are your friends like this? Some people are but by far not all of them. The Bible tries to artificially create a need in its god and elevate him by means of undeservedly degrading the people.
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"God... will justify... by faith... Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law."
Romans 3:30-31, Bible (NIV)
Do you believe you're justified by your faith? Then remember this New Testament passage telling you to also obey the biblical law. You can find this law in the Old Testament. Now start the timer to see how quickly you end up in jail, and your God won't save you from it.
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"He [Abraham] is the father of all who believe... who also follow in the footsteps of the faith that our father Abraham had"
Romans 4:11-12, Bible (NIV)
It's remarkable that some people see nothing weird in following the footsteps of a man who was hearing voices, attempted to murder his kid, and cut up the genitals of his own and his entire household.
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"Who will deliver me from this body of death?"
Romans 7:24, Bible (ESV)
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain... Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ..."
Philippians 1:21-23, Bible (NIV)
Religion devalues life to the point of waiting to die. Devaluing your own life makes it easy to devalue the lives of other people too.
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"Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted"
Romans 13:1-2, Bible (NIV)
This is one of the reasons why many governments supported Christianity. It tells the people to be silent and submissive. By the way, do you support fascist and totalitarian regimes? Your God does. He established them. Not surprisingly, Hitler's army had "God with us" written on their belt buckles.
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"Whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables."
Romans 14:2, Bible (NIV)
God has bad news for vegetarian Christians.
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"If the Gentiles have shared in the Jews' spiritual blessings, they owe it to the Jews to share with them their material blessings."
Romans 15:27, Bible (NIV)
Apparently, the Christian faith has a subscription fee to be paid to Jews.
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"I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say... that you be perfectly united in mind and thought."
1 Corinthians 1:10, Bible (NIV)
The Bible is the killer of critical thinking.
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"He that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man."
1 Corinthians 2:15, Bible (KJV)
This passage makes believers think that their judgments are always the best. It feels so good. It also encourages elitism that they are exempt from any kind of opposition to their conclusions or acts because "only God can judge me".
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"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you... hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh"
1 Corinthians 5:1-5, Bible (NIV)
God didn't bother explaining what "handing someone over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh" means. If God wants it done, then at least tell what it is.
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"You must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is... an idolater... Do not even eat with such people... Expel the wicked person from among you."
1 Corinthians 5:11-13, Bible (NIV)
Shunning people is quite a pathetic way of addressing religious disagreements. But God has no better way.
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"Do you not know that we [Christians] will judge angels?"
1 Corinthians 6:3, Bible (NIV)
Apostle Paul's marketing campaign is full of promises of post-mortem superiority. He even goes as far as promising the believers that they will judge angels ahead of God who is generally positioned as the ultimate judge. It helps people appreciate the fairy tale they live in.
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"...Nor men who have sex with men... will inherit the kingdom of God."
1 Corinthians 6:9-10, Bible (NIV)
Men with men get God started. Women with women are not nearly there.
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"It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman... I [apostle Paul] wish that all of you were [single] as I am... To the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do."
1 Corinthians 7:1-8, Bible (NIV)
It is also good for a god not to create people with implanted sexual desire, and then want them to completely suppress it.
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"Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised."
1 Corinthians 7:18, Bible (NIV)
How would he become uncircumcised even if he wanted to?
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"If a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him"
1 Corinthians 11:14, Bible (NIV)
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"Since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive."
1 Corinthians 15:21-22, Bible (NIV)
It means Adam and other people on the earth would be immortal if no one sins. Cool. What would happen if their head and body are crushed between 2 huge rocks? Would the rocks break, or a person would regrow from a bloody puddle? They couldn't die, remember? If you say that it speaks of spiritual death, not physical, then the passage would mean that God will save everyone through Christ regardless of faith or deeds, just like he kills everyone through Adam regardless of faith or deeds. It poses an obvious doctrinal problem.
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"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
2 Corinthians 10:5, Bible (NIV)
Biblical god wants people to be close-minded mental slaves and keep their alternative thoughts captive; otherwise, they may realize the fraud.
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"Even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God's curse!... If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God's curse!"
Galatians 1:8-9, Bible (NIV)
These people held some unverifiable beliefs before they met the apostle Paul. He told them they should adopt his unverifiable beliefs instead, and reject anyone else who would come after him with another message. Why should they listen to him but not to those before or after him? Just because.
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"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."
Philippians 4:6, Bible (KJV)
Prayer — the official sponsor of getting nothing done.
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"When this epistle [to Colossians] is read among you, cause that it be read also in the church of the Laodiceans; and that ye likewise read the epistle from Laodicea."
Colossians 4:16, Bible (KJV)
Looks like God was going to include the epistle to Laodiceans in the New Testament, but lost it.
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"We wanted to come to you — certainly I, Paul, did, again and again — but Satan blocked our way."
1 Thessalonians 2:18, Bible (NIV)
Argh, that Satan again. God must have been busy at the time arranging the outcome of football finals, so he couldn't help the apostle.
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"Among them are Hymenaeus and Alexander, whom I [apostle Paul] have handed over to Satan to be taught not to blaspheme."
1 Timothy 1:20, Bible (NIV)
Satan was apostle Paul's assistant in educational tasks.
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"Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses."
1 Timothy 5:23, Bible (NIV)
The rest of the New Testament is full of promises that prayer will heal anything. Here an apostle tells semi-apostle Timothy to drink a little wine to improve his poor health. Where are the holy apostolic healings ffs? They don't work.
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"Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted"
2 Timothy 3:12, Bible (NIV)
Complains the book which just recently commanded lethal persecution of everyone who doesn't live a biblical life.
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"A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject; knowing that he that is such is subverted, and sinneth, being condemned of himself."
Titus 3:10-11, Bible (KJV)
What proof does apostle Paul (the alleged author of this epistle) have that he isn't the one who is a heretic? He comes up with new rules and regulations, very different from the ones given by God previously. That is what heresy basically is.
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"Take heed, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief"
Hebrews 3:12, Bible (KJV)
Whoever doesn't believe biblical tales is evil.
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"Melchisedec... priest of the most high God... met Abraham returning from the slaughter of the kings, and blessed him"
Hebrews 7:1, Bible (KJV)
So Old Testament-ish, so good.
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"The covenant of which he [Jesus] is mediator is superior to the old one, since the new covenant is established on better promises. For if there had been nothing wrong with that first covenant, no place would have been sought for another."
Hebrews 8:6-7, Bible (NIV)
God admits that his first covenant (the Old Testament) is crap, and this time he promises to do better.
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"Abel offered unto God a more excellent sacrifice than Cain, by which he obtained witness that he was righteous"
Hebrews 11:4, Bible (KJV)
This is a story written by shepherds whose gods naturally liked offerings of burnt animals. So, Abel was a shepherd and God liked his meat offering, but Cain was a farmer and God rejected his vegetarian offering. Gee, shepherds wrote a story where shepherds are good and farmers are bad. Who'd have thunk?
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"Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings."
Hebrews 13:9, Bible (NIV)
Biblical teachings are no less strange than others that it tries to keep you away from.
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"There shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies... and bring upon themselves swift destruction."
2 Peter 2:1, Bible (KJV)
One guy says that God said X, another guy says that God said Y. How do you know whom to believe, if anyone? You just stick with the one who is closer to your own opinion, because your opinion is always right.
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"Of them [apostates] the proverbs are true: 'A dog returns to its vomit'"
2 Peter 2:22, Bible (NIV)
Biblical god dehumanizes people who abandoned the Christian faith. His opinion ultimately doesn't matter, since he doesn't exist. But what matters is that biblical religions exist, and many of them cultivate such a bigoted attitude in their followers. It brings needless negative implications to families, countries, and the world.
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"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise [to end the world], as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
2 Peter 3:9, Bible (NIV)
He forgot to mention that the more God waits, the more people go to hell.
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"We [Christians] know that we are of God, and the whole world lieth in wickedness."
1 John 5:19, Bible (KJV)
Christian motto: "We are good. Everyone else is bad."
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"If anyone comes to you and does not bring this [biblical] teaching, do not take them into your house or welcome them."
2 John 1:10, Bible (NIV)
The Bible is so good at building walls between people for silly reasons.
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"He [Jesus] is coming with the clouds... every eye will see him"
Revelation 1:7, Bible (NIV)
This may get a bit nerdy, but let's think through it. If just one Jesus were descending with the clouds, then he'd need to spend years flying around the globe to say "Hi" to everyone. If it speaks of everyone seeing him at once, then it would need to be millions of Jesuses descending all over the earth. They would also need to wake up billions of people who sleep at the time, make miners get out of mines, etc. Also, to ensure visibility, an overlap would be required, so you'd be able to see several Jesuses at once if you live on a higher floor. If you think of a TV, or internet, or a global brain-to-network interface, then it's quite comical that God needs human technology to communicate his arrival.
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"I was in the Spirit, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a trumpet, which said: 'Write on a scroll what you see'... And when I turned I saw... someone like a son of man... his eyes were like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters... coming out of his mouth was a sharp, double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance... [he said]: 'I hold the keys of death and Hades [hell]'"
Revelation 1:10-18, Bible (NIV)
The whole biblical book of Revelation is one big facepalm of sick hallucinations (audio and video).
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"To the angel of the church in Pergamum write:... I know where you live — where Satan has his throne. Yet you remain true to my name... in your city — where Satan lives."
Revelation 2:12-13, Bible (NIV)
Satan's throne and primary residence address were located in the city of Pergamum. Business hours: Mon-Fri, 9-5.
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"To the one who is victorious, I [Jesus] will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne."
Revelation 3:21, Bible (NIV)
But you can sit on it only for a little bit, because there are a lot of people in the line to take turns sitting on it, including Jesus and his father. Unless they all sit on it together in a massive sandwich, or it's a veeery long throne-bench.
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"I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven... There before me was a throne in heaven... Surrounding the throne... were twenty-four elders... In the center... were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back... Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying: 'Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty'... Whenever the living creatures give glory... the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne"
Revelation 4:1-10, Bible (NIV)
If that is how paradise is, it's an awfully boring place: listening to the same song by creatures covered with eyes and watching dudes who never stop falling down before God day and night. Sounds more like a curse than a blessing.
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"When he [Jesus] opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, 'How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?' Then... they were told to wait a little longer, until the full number of their fellow servants, their brothers and sisters, were killed just as they had been."
Revelation 6:9-11, Bible (NIV)
God has target numbers of martyrs. Ironically, even when the pain is already gone, "holy" biblical martyrs can't wait to be avenged despite their gains of special privileges in paradise from it.
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"Your [God's] wrath has come. The time has come... for destroying those who destroy the earth."
Revelation 11:18, Bible (NIV)
This is a fragment from the description of the upcoming end of the world. So while God is destroying the earth he will punish those who... destroy the earth. Huh.
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"I saw a beast coming out of the sea. It had ten horns and seven heads, with ten crowns on its horns, and on each head a blasphemous name."
Revelation 13:1, Bible (NIV)
One could argue that in a "vision" nothing can be considered weird or wrong. But why would God make his visions look similar to hallucinations of sick or intoxicated people? Why not just show things in a normal way? What's the point of hallucinatory weirdness? There is no basis to believe that these weird visions came from a reasonable external source.
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"I looked, and there before me was the Lamb [Jesus]... and with him 144,000 who had his name and his Father's name written on their foreheads... And they sang a new song... No one could learn the song except the 144,000... These are those who did not defile themselves with women, for they remained virgins."
Revelation 14:1-4, Bible (NIV)
God gave people the tendency to have sex and commanded to multiply, but turns out this was a bad idea because he doesn't like when they do. Being with a woman "defiles" the man. Oh, those goddamn women.
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"I saw in heaven... One of the four living creatures gave to the seven angels seven golden bowls filled with the wrath of God"
Revelation 15:1-7, Bible (NIV)
God stores his wrath in bowls.
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"He [Jesus] is dressed in a robe dipped in blood... On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS."
Revelation 19:13-16, Bible (NIV)
Glorified Jesus wears a bloody robe of a special design which keeps tattoo on his butt exposed.
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THERE ARE MORE VERSES IN A SIMILAR VEIN BUT THE ONES ABOVE ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE THE POINT