ENDORSEMENTS OF SLAVERY IN THE BIBLE

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"Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her. The angel of the Lord found Hagar ... And he said, 'Hagar, slave of Sarai, ... Go back to your mistress and submit to her.'"

Genesis 16: 6-9, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 1: 
If you are a slave and your master abuses you, do not run away, remain and submit.

 

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"If his [slave's] master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the woman and her children shall belong to her master, and only the man shall go free. But if the servant declares, ‘I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,’ then his master... shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life."

Exodus 21:4-6, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 2: 

Breed slaves like dogs. Then, if the male slave wants to stay with the family you gave him, he must pay for it with his chance at freedom. 

 

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"If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do."

Exodus 21:7, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 3:
Selling your daughter into slavery is fine. As a female, she must never gain freedom.

 

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"If she [a female slave] does not please the master who has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no right to sell her to foreigners, because he has broken faith with her."

Exodus 21:8, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 4:
If your sex slave isn't good enough in bed, ask for a refund.

 

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"Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property."

Exodus 21:20-21, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 5:
Beat your slaves tactically. Find the best way of beating without them dying within two days.

 

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"An owner who hits a male or female slave in the eye and destroys it must let the slave go free to compensate for the eye. And an owner who knocks out the tooth of a male or female slave must let the slave go free to compensate for the tooth."

Exodus 21:26-27, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 6:
Make sure you do not damage eyes or teeth. Other than that feel free to abuse, oppress, beat, break bones, and ruin the lives of your slaves.

 

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"If the bull gores a male or female slave, the owner must pay thirty shekels of silver to the master of the slave"

Exodus 21:32, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 7:
How about paying the compensation to the slave's family, not the owner? How about prohibiting slavery altogether? Forget it.

 

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"Whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free. And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the Lord."

Leviticus 19:20-21, Bible (KJV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 8:
If a man had sex with a female slave engaged to someone else, she must be scourged, but he gets away with just making an offering. What if there was no consent on her side? Who cares...

 

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"No one outside a priest's family may eat the sacred offering, nor may the guest of a priest or his hired worker eat it. But if a priest buys a slave with money, or if slaves are born in his household, they may eat his food."

Leviticus 22:10-11, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 9:
It's fine to buy slaves with money and make people slaves just because they were born from slaves in your household. Giving the slaves a perk of eating offerings is enough for them.

 

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"Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life"

Leviticus 25:44-46, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 10:
Buy more slaves. They will become your property. Before you die, pass these slaves on to your children like livestock. Also, be a nationalist, because I [your God] am a nationalist.

 

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"When you march up to attack a city, make its people an offer of peace. If they accept... all the people in it shall be subject to forced labor and shall work for you. If they refuse... put to the sword all the men in it. As for the women, the children... you may take these as plunder for yourselves"

Deuteronomy 20:10-14, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 11:
I [God] like slavery. I like war. People gaining slaves by means of war is a double pleasure to me.

 

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"Servants cannot be corrected by mere words"

Proverbs 29:19, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 12:
Beat the hell out of them.

 

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"Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, 'Come along now and sit down to eat'? Won't he rather say, 'Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink'? Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.'"

Luke 17:7-10, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 13:
People shouldn't thank slaves for their work or take slaves' needs into consideration.

 

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"Were you a slave when you were called? Don't let it trouble you — although if you can gain your freedom, do so."

1 Corinthians 7:21, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 14:
I [God] encourage slaves to try to gain freedom if possible. But I don't encourage masters to set their slaves free. To be honest, I simply need the support of influential slave-owners.

 

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"Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ."

Ephesians 6:5, Bible (NIV)

"Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything"

Colossians 3:22, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 15:
Abolishing slavery wasn't in my [God's] New Testamental plans, rather an even stronger endorsement of it. Now slaves have to be not just obedient, but obedient as to Christ. 
P.S. The Christian world abandoned slavery a couple hundred years ago not thanks to Christianity, but thanks to education becoming stronger and Christianity becoming weaker. Reasonable ideas could finally make their way and replace biblical barbarism, at least some of it.

 

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"All who are under the yoke of slavery should consider their masters worthy of full respect... These are the things you are to teach and insist on. If anyone teaches otherwise and does not agree to the sound instruction of our Lord Jesus Christ and to godly teaching, they are conceited and understand nothing."

1 Timothy 6:1-4, Bible (NIV)

 

In God's opinion, people, who realize that a person owning and using another person as a thing (slavery) is plain wrong, are conceited and understand nothing... Well... Fuck a god who says it.

 

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"Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not to talk back to them... so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive."

Titus 2:9-10, Bible (NIV)

 

Slavery for Dummies. By God. Lesson 16:
People's freedom doesn't matter to me [God]. My popularity does. And as always, without people I'm powerless, I need someone to speak for me, because I'm imaginary.

 

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"Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh."

1 Peter 2:18, Bible (NIV)

God: "I miss the days of global uncontrolled slavery".

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