MAGIC IN THE BIBLE

‚Äč

----------------------------------------------

 

"Seth lived 912 years... Enosh... 905 years... Kenan... 910 years... Mahalalel... 895 years... Jared... 962 years... Methuselah... 969 years... Lamech... 777 years..."

Genesis 5:8-31, Bible (NIV)

 

What's the secret of their longevity? No medicine? No bathing? Or just lies of the author?

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Flood kept coming on the earth ... all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than fifteen cubits."

Genesis 7:17-20, Bible (NIV)

 

9 km thick global layer of water appearing from nowhere, then disappearing? Not a problem at all.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah — from the Lord out of the heavens. Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities"

Genesis 19:24-25, Bible (NIV)

 

Did children also deserve to be burned alive? God doesn't bother himself with such insignificant details.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The Lord said unto him [Moses]... Cast it [rod] on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent... And the Lord said unto Moses... take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand: That they may believe that the Lord God... hath appeared unto thee. And the Lord said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow. And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh... That they will believe the voice of the latter sign... If they will not believe also these two signs... thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land."

Exodus 4:2-9, Bible (KJV)

VS.
"A man also or woman... that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death"

Leviticus 20:27, Bible (KJV)

 

God is a master of double standards. He commanded that people who perform magic should be executed, yet he taught Moses magic tricks to perform in front of Pharaoh.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he was not willing to let them go... Now the Lord had said to Moses, 'I will bring one more plague on Pharaoh and on Egypt... Every firstborn son in Egypt will die... and all the firstborn of the cattle as well.'"

Exodus 10:27-11:5, Bible (NIV)

 

God used Pharaoh as a puppet to have an excuse for committing atrocities not once, but ten times, ending with murdering the firstborn of every family. Injustice at its finest. And what did the cattle do to deserve killing it?

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Do not allow a sorceress to live."

Exodus 22:18, Bible (NIV)
 

God was just watching while countless innocent men, women, and children were tortured and murdered because of his witch-hunting commandments. Moses should have told him that Voldemort isn't real.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu... offered unauthorized fire before the Lord... So fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord... Then Moses said to Aaron and his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, 'Do not let your hair become unkempt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the Lord will be angry with the whole community.'"

Leviticus 10:1-6, Bible (NIV)

 

God would have killed Aaron and been angry with his entire community if he'd mourned for his two dead sons killed by God's magical fire. How compassionate.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"When the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the Lord burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp."

Numbers 11:1, Bible (KJV)

 

The violence of God is never justified. If he is almighty, then he can use other methods but chooses to use violence, meaning that he is violent by nature. He is abusive and sadistic since human beings cannot do anything against his power. He is what people usually call a "motherfucker".

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Miriam and Aaron began to talk against Moses because of his Cushite wife... The anger of the Lord burned against them... When the cloud lifted from above the tent, Miriam's skin was leprous — it became as white as snow."

Numbers 12:1-10, Bible (NIV)

 

Miriam (a woman) and Aaron (a man) both talked against Moses, but "impartial" God punished only the woman.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Moses said, 'This is how you will know that the Lord has sent me to do all these things and that it was not my idea: If these men [the opposition] die a natural death and suffer the fate of all mankind, then the Lord has not sent me. But if the Lord brings about something totally new, and the earth opens its mouth and swallows them, with everything that belongs to them, and they go down alive into the realm of the dead, then you will know that these men have treated the Lord with contempt.' As soon as he finished saying all this, the ground under them split apart and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and their households... And fire came out from the Lord and consumed the 250 men"

Numbers 16:28-35, Bible (NIV)

 

Killing people is often inseparable part of God trying to tell humans something. His interaction skills are so underdeveloped that he can't show up and say or do something more meaningful than killing.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The whole Israelite community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 'You have killed the Lord's people,' they said... and the Lord said to Moses, 'Get away from this assembly so I can put an end to them at once.'... The plague had already started among the people, but Aaron offered the incense and made atonement for them... and the plague stopped. But 14,700 people died from the plague"

Numbers 16:41-49, Bible (NIV)

 

God can be controlled by human rituals. He went into a killing frenzy but got deactivated by Aaron's rite. By then God killed 14,700 people for being confused and grumbling because he thinks grumbling deserves death. 

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"They [the Israelites] spoke against God and against Moses, and said, 'Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? There is no bread! There is no water! And we detest this miserable food!' Then the Lord sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, 'We sinned when we spoke against the Lord and against you. Pray that the Lord will take the snakes away from us.' So Moses prayed for the people. The Lord said to Moses, 'Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live.'"

Numbers 21:5-8, Bible (NIV)

 

Mass murders of people by God for grumbling became a common practice. This time he did it along with teaching Moses some more magic he himself recently prohibited.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The Lord opened the donkey's mouth, and it said to Balaam, 'What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?' Balaam answered the donkey, 'You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.' The donkey said to Balaam, 'Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?' 'No,' he said."

Numbers 22:28-30, Bible (NIV)

 

Balaam and his donkey are having a chat. A talking donkey? No problem. Evolution? Too "unrealistic", primarily because many people never bothered to find out how evolution works. When you understand its mechanics, it makes a lot more sense than a talking donkey.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"An Israelite man brought into the camp a Midianite woman... When Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, saw this, he left the assembly, took a spear in his hand and followed the Israelite into the tent. He drove the spear into both of them, right through the Israelite man and into the woman's stomach. Then the plague against the Israelites was stopped; but those who died in the plague numbered 24,000. The Lord said to Moses, 'Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, has turned my anger away from the Israelites... He and his descendants will have a covenant of a lasting priesthood, because he was zealous'"

Numbers 25:6-11, Bible (NIV)

 

Killing to stop God killing is so Bible-ish. God was so pleased by "zealous" Phinehas impaling two unsanctioned lovers that he decided to stop his magical plague that already killed 24,000. A lasting priesthood reward was thrown in for Phinehas too.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"I [Moses] stayed on the mountain forty days and forty nights; I ate no bread and drank no water."

Deuteronomy 9:9, Bible (NIV)

 

Humans die after 3 days without water. Some record-breakers could last about a week. 40 days without water is way beyond reality, it's like a year without any food. Lies.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"As soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the [river] Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap... until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground."

Joshua 3:15-17, Bible (NIV)

 

It says flowing water piled up in a heap. Wow, this would deserve a Nobel Prize, if only it weren't a fabrication.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The Lord said to Joshua, 'See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands... March around the city once with all the armed men. Do this for six days... On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets... then the wall of the city will collapse'... The trumpets sounded, the army shouted... the wall collapsed; so everyone charged straight in, and they took the city."

Joshua 6:2-20, Bible (NIV)

 

Even if the collapse of the wall actually happened, there are more realistic alternative explanations for it, e.g. a man-made sinkhole underneath the wall. Marching and trumpets help with distraction during the 7 days that were needed to prepare the "miracle".

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"And it came to pass, as they [Amorites] fled from before Israel... that the Lord cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died"

Joshua 10:11, Bible (KJV)

 

Do you believe in the Bible and laugh at stories about Zeus casting down bolts of lightning from heaven? Biblical stories about God casting down great stones from heaven are no better.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Joshua said to the Lord... 'Sun, stand still over Gibeon, and you, moon, over the Valley of Aijalon.' So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, till the nation avenged itself on its enemies... The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day."

Joshua 10:12-13, Bible (NIV)

 

Wouldn't inertia wipe out life on the earth? People believe that their God can do something such as halt the inertia of an entire planet because the narrator of their religious scripture tells them so. But if you can do all that, what is the point in stopping day and night so that Joshua can keep killing people, when you can just wipe them all out? It's ridiculous what hoops and loops God goes through.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, he [Samson] grabbed it and struck down a thousand [Philistine] men."

Judges 15:15, Bible (NIV)

 

Killing 1,000 men is a very tiring task, and Philistines would use bows against melee-oriented Samson after the first few dozens are struck down. But let's not ruin a great story of the godly massacre.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"He [Samson] told her everything... 'If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.'"

Judges 16:17, Bible (NIV)

 

No one takes the story about kryptonite weakening Superman seriously. Now, replace kryptonite with head-shaving and Superman with Samson, and billions of people become totally serious about it.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"He [God] smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the Lord, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men"

1 Samuel 6:19, Bible (KJV)

 

God killed 50,070 people for looking into a metal box. God's love is truly unlimited, but to a metal box instead of people.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"An evil spirit from the Lord tormented him [Saul]."

1 Samuel 16:14, Bible (NIV)

 

God sends evil spirits to torment people and keep exorcists busy.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Samuel was dead... Saul... went to the woman [medium]. 'Consult a spirit for me,' he said... The woman asked, 'Whom shall I bring up for you?' 'Bring up Samuel,' he said... Samuel said to Saul, 'Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?'... [and the conversation with dead Samuel continues]"

1 Samuel 28:3-15, Bible (NIV)

 

Even if such summoning of the spirits of the dead were true, it's worth noting that you can easily summon a dead person for a two-way verbal conversation, but God can't be summoned. Is his schedule too busy? Or is he not too sociable?

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Whenever he [Absalom] cut the hair of his head — he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him — he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard."

2 Samuel 14:26, Bible (NIV)

 

That is 2.3 kg (5 lbs) or hair per year. For comparison, a full head of dense 1.2 m (4 ft) long hair weighs about 225 gr (1/2 lbs). So, the Bible states that every year Absalom grew and cut an equivalent of 12m (40 ft) of hair.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"When king Jeroboam heard the saying of the man of God... he put forth his hand from the altar, saying, Lay hold on him. And his hand, which he put forth against him, dried up... And the king answered and said unto the man of God, Intreat now the face of the Lord thy God, and pray for me, that my hand may be restored me again. And the man of God besought the Lord, and the king's hand was restored him again, and became as it was before."

1 Kings 13:4-6, Bible (KJV)

 

Many "explanations" have been made up as to why such stunningly evident medical miracles do not happen today, but they are just excuses that really mean that these myths have no ground, and certainly can't be recreated to prove the skeptics wrong.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"He [Elijah] got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb"

1 Kings 19:8, Bible (NIV)

 

That must have been really nutritional food and drink to keep him going for 40 days. There is only one type of meal that can do it. Fictional.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"He [king] sent to [prophet] Elijah a captain with his company of fifty men. The captain went up to Elijah, who was sitting on the top of a hill, and said to him, 'Man of God, the king says, "Come down!"' Elijah answered the captain, 'If I am a man of God, may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!' Then fire fell from heaven and consumed the captain and his men. At this the king sent to Elijah another captain with his fifty men. The captain said to him, 'Man of God, this is what the king says, "Come down at once!"' 'If I am a man of God,' Elijah replied, 'may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!' Then the fire of God fell from heaven and consumed him and his fifty men."

2 Kings 1:9-12, Bible (NIV)

 

Burning people to death for no reason is a great way to prove you are a man of God. Magical fire from heaven can save you the effort of building your own bonfires.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Elijah took his cloak, rolled it up and struck the water with it. The water divided to the right and to the left, and the two of them crossed over on dry ground."

2 Kings 2:8, Bible (NIV)

 

Splitting waters is becoming mainstream in the Bible.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"He [Elisha] took the cloak that had fallen from Elijah and struck the water with it... When he struck the water, it divided to the right and to the left, and he crossed over."

2 Kings 2:14, Bible (NIV)

 

The Bible couldn't avoid the mythology of artifacts getting into it. This special cloak in itself has the power to do magic.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"[Prophet] Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. 'Get out of here, baldy!' they said. 'Get out of here, baldy!' He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys."

2 Kings 2:23-24, Bible (NIV)

 

God and his buddy Elisha, full of pride, kill 42 children for being children. Whoever thinks this is an appropriate reaction of mature personalities to childish jeering has a totally broken moral compass.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"When [prophet] Elisha reached the house, there was the boy lying dead on his couch. He went in, shut the door on the two of them and prayed to the Lord. Then he got on the bed and lay on the boy, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands. As he stretched himself out on him, the boy's body grew warm... Then [Elisha] got on the bed and stretched out on him once more. The boy sneezed seven times and opened his eyes."

2 Kings 4:32-35, Bible (NIV)

 

Apparently, CPR-like movements are essential to a miraculous resurrection.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The stew was poured out for the men, but as they began to eat it, they cried out, 'Man of God, there is death in the pot!' And they could not eat it. Elisha said, 'Get some flour.' He put it into the pot and said, 'Serve it to the people to eat.' And there was nothing harmful in the pot."

2 Kings 4:40-41, Bible (NIV)

 

Because of this biblical passage, there were likely plenty of people who believed that flour is an effective antidote and tried to cure poisoning with it. Surely none of them succeeded.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"As one of them was cutting down a tree, the iron axhead fell into the water... The man of God asked, 'Where did it fall?' When he showed him the place, Elisha cut a stick and threw it there, and made the iron float."

2 Kings 6:5-6, Bible (NIV)

 

It would take radical violations of the laws of physics to make biblical miracles happen. But a no less interesting part of them is that due to lack of understanding of those laws, fabricators of the supposed miracles tend to stop halfway. In this example, if someone can make an iron axhead float, then with the same ease he/she could make it fly above the water, completing the miracle of getting the axhead back into the owner's hands. But the author had no idea that floating requires the same phenomenon which would make it fly, so he stopped halfway. This is a common trait of alleged biblical miracles.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Elisha replied... 'The Lord says: About this time tomorrow, a seah of the finest flour will sell for a shekel and two seahs of barley for a shekel at the gate of Samaria.' The officer... said to the man of God, 'Look, even if the Lord should open the floodgates of the heavens, could this happen?' 'You will see it with your own eyes,' answered Elisha, 'but you will not eat any of it!'... Then the people went out and plundered the camp of the Arameans. So a seah of the finest flour sold for a shekel, and two seahs of barley sold for a shekel, as the Lord had said... and he [the officer] died"

2 Kings 7:1-2,16-17, Bible (NIV)

 

God kills those who question his words, but he does it only in the Bible. God wipes out entire nations for minor offences or for worshipping other gods, but again, only in the Bible. In real life, nothing even close to it ever happens. In real life, only his fanatics can do something, because their God is impotent and can't do anything himself. He is strong only on the pages of the biblical fairy tale.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Once while some Israelites were burying a man, suddenly they saw a band of raiders; so they threw the man's body into Elisha's tomb. When the body touched Elisha's bones, the man came to life and stood up on his feet."

2 Kings 13:21, Bible (NIV)

 

Dead bodies coming back to life by touching bones of those who couldn't beat death makes total sense.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"And it came to pass that night, that the angel of the Lord went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand [185,000]: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses."

2 Kings 19:35, Bible (KJV)

 

A beautiful biblical story.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Isaiah answered, 'This is the Lord's sign to you that the Lord will do what he has promised: Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or shall it go back ten steps?' 'It is a simple matter for the shadow to go forward ten steps,' said Hezekiah. 'Rather, have it go back ten steps.' Then the prophet Isaiah called on the Lord, and the Lord made the shadow go back the ten steps it had gone down on the stairway of Ahaz."

2 Kings 20:9-11, Bible (NIV)

 

God, upon a man's request, allegedly made the shadow from the Sun go back in order to demonstrate himself, but in the real world, he is unable to make even a single comment on social media to help people settle the debates down. God, can you?... But nothing happens.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The Spirit lifted me [prophet Ezekiel] up, and I heard behind me a loud rumbling sound... It was the sound of the wings of the [four-faced] living creatures brushing against each other and the sound of the wheels [full of eyes] beside them... The Spirit then lifted me up and took me away"

Ezekiel 3:12-14, Bible (NIV)

 

What's the most likely here: a man flying around and watching unearthly creatures with eyed wheels, or experiments with mind-altering substances, or a mental illness? The flying man, of course.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Nebuchadnezzar... commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace... and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace... He said, 'Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.' ... Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire... the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them."

Daniel 3:19-27, Bible (NIV)

 

God's skill in performing miracles has substantially declined with time; maybe God is getting Alzheimer's. The most spectacular public miracle that God can do today is to show up on a toast.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"They brought Daniel and threw him into the lions' den... At the first light of dawn, the king got up and hurried to the lions' den... Daniel answered... 'My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. They have not hurt me'"

Daniel 6:16-22, Bible (NIV)

 

God was unable to repeat this trick in real life in Coliseum with Christians and lions. His magic worked only in the book.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Whiles I was speaking in prayer... the man Gabriel... being caused to fly swiftly, touched me"

Daniel 9:21, Bible (KJV)

 

Another flying man. A fact or a fuct?

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Half of the city [of Jerusalem] will go into exile... On that day his [God's] feet will stand on the Mount of Olives, east of Jerusalem, and the Mount of Olives will be split in two from east to west, forming a great valley, with half of the mountain moving north and half moving south. You will flee by my mountain valley, for it will extend to Azel."

Zechariah 14:2-5, Bible (NIV)

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit."

Matthew 1:18, Bible (NIV)

"The angel answered, 'The Holy Spirit will come on you [Mary]... the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God.'"

Luke 1:35, Bible (NIV)

 

Many other Assyrian, Babylonian, Egyptian, Chinese, Hindu, and Hellenistic religions pre-dated Jesus in virgin births of their gods. But Jesus is the real deal, right?

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"They brought him a demon-possessed man who was blind and mute, and Jesus healed him, so that he could both talk and see."

Matthew 12:22, Bible (NIV)

 

You need to be totally ignorant of the research achievements of the modern medicine to agree with the Bible that people become blind, or mute, or deaf due to demonic possession, and that restoring vision, or speech, or hearing requires a demon to be cast out.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish"

Matthew 12:40, Bible (NIV)

 

No matter how much you believe in the biblical text, a human can't survive 72 hours without air in a fish's stomach under water.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake... Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'"

Matthew 14:25-31, Bible (NIV)

 

A number of people had enough faith to even step on air on a high floor, only to go straight down, providing demonstrations that faith has zero impact on laws of physics in real life.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Jesus said to him... 'go to the lake and throw out your line. Take the first fish you catch; open its mouth and you will find a four-drachma coin'"

Matthew 17:26-27, Bible (NIV)

 

Typical myth. It would be too boring if Jesus just took a coin out of his empty pocket. People like stories. Telling a story of sending the guy to throw a line, catch a special fish and take a coin out of it, is much more engaging.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land... He [Jesus] gave up his spirit. At that moment... the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus' resurrection and went into the holy city [Jerusalem] and appeared to many people."

Matthew 27:45-53, Bible (NIV)

 

The Roman government of the time already kept quite good records of notable events, but there are no references to this mass resurrection anywhere. They probably found it not worth mentioning. Not a biggie. Just an army of zombies raised from tombs. A usual thing.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him... When he [Jesus] had spit on the man's eyes and put his hands on him, Jesus asked, 'Do you see anything?' He looked up and said, 'I see people; they look like trees walking around.' Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly."

Mark 8:22-25, Bible (NIV)

 

God Jesus needs a second attempt to make it right.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"A man in the crowd called out, 'Teacher, I beg you to look at my son... A spirit seizes him and he suddenly screams; it throws him into convulsions so that he foams at the mouth'... While the boy was coming, the demon threw him to the ground in a convulsion. But Jesus rebuked the impure spirit, healed the boy"

Luke 9:38-42, Bible (NIV)

 

Cutting corpus callosum, which is a band of tissue that connects and transmits messages from one side of the brain to the other, permanently stops epilepsy. The procedure has side effects but nevertheless, that means that a physical cut casts out the impure spirit from a person, or that means that uneducated God was all wrong about impure spirits having anything to do with epilepsy.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"If I [Jesus] drive out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your followers drive them out?"

Luke 11:19, Bible (NIV)

 

The Bible speaks of driving out demons as a usual routine which can be done by pretty much anyone. Science is still waiting for a single piece of empirical evidence.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"An angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had."

John 5:4, Bible (KJV)

 

Faith healers are nothing. Pool healers are the real deal.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"A time is coming when all who are in their graves will hear his voice and come out"

John 5:28-29, Bible (NIV)

 

Zombie apocalypse is nigh!

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"He [Jesus] saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him'... He [Jesus] spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes... The man went and washed, and came home seeing."

John 9:1-7, Bible (NIV)

 

Blinding a child for the purpose of glorifying himself is so Yahweh-y.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Jesus said, 'This sickness... is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it... Lazarus is dead'... Jesus... came to the tomb... 'Take away the stone,' he said... Jesus called in a loud voice, 'Lazarus, come out!' The dead man came out"

John 11:4-44, Bible (NIV)

 

Poor Lazarus, he already went through the death from a disease and was resting in paradise, but now Jesus pulls him back because Jesus needs to do something to gain attention.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. Now there were staying in Jerusalem God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven. When they heard this sound, a crowd came together in bewilderment, because each one heard their own language being spoken."

Acts 2:2-4, Bible (NIV)

 

A realistic story of every nation from all continents being represented near that house in Jerusalem in 33 CE, when heavenly fire enabled them to "speak in tongues".

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"A man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. With his wife's full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles' feet. Then Peter said, 'Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal?'... He [Ananias] fell down and died... About three hours later his wife came in... Peter said to her... 'The feet of the men who buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out also.' At that moment she fell down at his feet and died... Great fear seized the whole church and all who heard about these events."

Acts 5:1-11, Bible (NIV)

 

God miraculously killed Ananias and Sapphira for lying about giving to the church the entire revenue from the sale. Is death an adequate punishment for it? It is not. But God's positions are held by fear, so he tries to spread as much of that fear as possible.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The apostles performed many signs and wonders among the people... People brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter's shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by. Crowds gathered also from the towns around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those tormented by impure spirits, and all of them were healed."

Acts 5:12-16, Bible (NIV)

 

Peter was an even more advanced healer than Jesus. God Jesus needed to spit and spread mud on eyes, take people by hands, or at least get his clothes touched. Peter's shadow was enough for that. That's pretty cool. If only it were true.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord suddenly took Philip away, and the eunuch did not see him again... Philip, however, appeared at Azotus and traveled about"

Acts 8:39-40, Bible (NIV)

 

God's technology also needs time for development. In the Old Testament even the mightiest of the prophets like Elijah, who could cast fireballs from heaven, had to walk for days. But in the New Testament: Poof! and you're teleported where necessary.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"There was a disciple named Tabitha... she became sick and died... Turning toward the dead woman, he [Peter] said, 'Tabitha, get up.' She opened her eyes, and seeing Peter she sat up."

Acts 9:36-40, Bible (NIV)

 

Today's inability of God's followers to resurrect people is often blamed on their spiritual weakness. But that's just a way to avoid admitting an obvious problem with the credibility of the book.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Herod, wearing his royal robes, sat on his throne and delivered a public address to the people. They shouted, 'This is the voice of a god, not of a man.' Immediately, because Herod did not give praise to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died."

Acts 12:21-23, Bible (NIV)

 

There were plenty of rulers who, when called gods, not only didn't give praise to biblical god, but they deliberately made people believe in their own divinity. Guess what, they weren't supernaturally stricken for it, because God's superpowers are not manifested anywhere except his scripture.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"[At the Communion] whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty... For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord's body. For this cause many are weak and sickly among you, and many sleep [die]."

1 Corinthians 11:27-30, Bible (KJV)

 

A poorly performed ritual of Christian Communion makes a person damned, weak, sick, and dead. Most of the Christians are nominal, and should be permanently sick or dead by now if that worked.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Tongues... are a sign... for unbelievers"

1 Corinthians 14:22, Bible (NIV)

 

Still waiting for that sign... And not a random mumbling please, but meaningful sentences, not memorized in advance, from a person who was not familiar with the language before.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Eve was deceived by the serpent's cunning"

2 Corinthians 11:3, Bible (NIV)

 

There is nothing strange with old myths about talking animals. Believing them in the 21st century is strange.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders"

2 Thessalonians 2:9, Bible (NIV)

 

If Satan would perform at least one verifiable miracle, it would immediately make him more productive than God, who has produced none of them so far. 

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"Some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."

Hebrews 13:2, Bible (NIV)

 

Angels are all around us, along with alien lizard people and ghosts.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"[Prophet] Elijah... prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years."

James 5:17, Bible (NIV)

 

Did the prophet think about families which will slowly die of drought and famine under the scorching Middle-Eastern sun? Nah, showing off his special skills is too cool to hold back.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

"I [God] will appoint my two witnesses, and they will prophesy for 1,260 days... If anyone tries to harm them, fire comes from their mouths and devours their enemies... They have power to shut up the heavens so that it will not rain during the time they are prophesying; and they have power to turn the waters into blood and to strike the earth with every kind of plague as often as they want... The beast that comes up from the Abyss will attack them, and overpower and kill them... But after the three and a half days the breath of life from God entered them, and they stood on their feet... And they went up to heaven in a cloud... At that very hour there was a severe earthquake... Seven thousand people were killed in the earthquake"

Revelation 11:3-13, Bible (NIV)

 

God will grant his two assistants a bunch of deadly magical abilities so that they can plague the earth as often as they want. Then, after the beast kills them, upon their resurrection God will kill 7,000 people by an earthquake for some reason. Maybe that's his way of celebratory fireworks.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

COME BACK LATER FOR MORE VICE VERSES IN A SIMILAR VEIN

 

Copyright © Vice Verses