ENJOY FACEPALMS, CONTRADICTIONS, AND ABSURDITY OF THE QURAN

 

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"Those who believe and do good... they will have Gardens under which rivers flow... they will be served fruit... they will have pure spouses, and they will be there forever."

Quran 2:25; similar: 3:15; 4:57

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Primitive god provides a primitive paradise focused on nothing more than food and sex. Both are good, but in the context of eternity, they will run out of their appeal really fast.

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"It is He who created for you all of that which is on the earth. Then He directed Himself to the heaven, [His being above all creation], and made them seven heavens"

Quran 2:29; similar: 41:9-12

(Sahih International translation)

VS.

"Are you a more difficult creation or is the heaven? He [i.e., Allah] constructed it. He raised its ceiling and proportioned it. And He darkened its night and extracted its brightness. And after that He spread the earth."

Quran 79:27-30

(Sahih International translation)

Allah is confused about whether the created the sky after spreading the Earth or before it.

 

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"And He taught Adam the names - all of them..."

Quran 2:31

(Sahih International translation)

 

This one is talking about all names of all plants and animals on the Earth. With extinct ones, we're talking a billion names to learn. Quite a homework.

 

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"Indeed, the believers, Jews, Christians, and Sabians—whoever ˹truly˺ believes in Allah and the Last Day and does good will have their reward with their Lord."

Quran 2:62; similar: 5:69

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

VS.

"Whoever seeks a way other than Islam, it will never be accepted from them, and in the Hereafter they will be among the losers."

Quran 3:85; similar: 4:150-151

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

Allah can't decide if he is going to save Jews and Christians or not.

 

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"You are already aware of those of you who broke the Sabbath. We said to them, 'Be disgraced apes!' So We made their fate an example to present and future generations, and a lesson to the God-fearing."

Quran 2:65-66

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Apparently, apes came from Sabbath-breaking Jews.

 

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"We will make you turn towards a direction ˹of prayer˺ that will please you. So turn your face towards the Sacred Mosque ˹in Mecca˺—wherever you are"

Quran 2:144

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Everyone a bit further away from Mecca will be facing outer space due to the Earth’s curvature. Allah didn't account for that.

 

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"Ramaḍân... whoever is present this month, let them fast... ˹You may˺ eat and drink until you see the light of dawn breaking the darkness of night, then complete the fast until nightfall."

Quran 2:185-187

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Allah didn't account for very northern or very southern latitudes. Ramadan can happen there at times when there is no night for days, making it impossible to fast, or at times when there is no day for days, making the fasting pointless. It's because Allah was aware only of the small patch of land where his creators lived, where night and day were stable throughout the year.

 

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"Spend in the cause of Allah"

Quran 2:195

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

In the real world, Allah can't get anywhere with his religion without your financial support.

 

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"Beautified for those who disbelieve is the life of this world, and they ridicule those who believe. But those who fear Allah are above them on the Day of Resurrection."

Quran 2:212; similar: 3:137-139

(Sahih International translation)

 

Quran feeds the pride of believers by promising them a rewarding feeling of superiority over unbelievers in the afterlife. What a noble motivation.

 

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"We have chosen some of those messengers above others."

Quran 2:253

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

VS.

 

"We make no distinction between any of His messengers."

Quran 2:285

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

God isn't sure how he ranks the messengers.

 

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"And the disbelievers made a plan... but Allah also planned—and Allah is the best of planners."

Quran 3:54; similar: 86:15-16

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

The only plan of Allah that worked is to leave no objective trace of his existence whatsoever like he doesn't exist.

 

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"We will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve"

Quran 3:151

(Sahih International translation)

 

But only after they die, so that you couldn't check whether that really happened.

 

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"Fight in the cause of Allah ˹O Prophet˺... And motivate the believers ˹to fight˺, so perhaps Allah will curb the disbelievers’ might."

Quran 4:84

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Allah keeps trying to curb it for many centuries but the might and power in the real world are still mostly with non-muslims.

 

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"Allah sent a crow digging ˹a grave˺ in the ground ˹for a dead crow˺, in order to show him how to bury the corpse of his brother."

Quran 5:31

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Allah doesn't know how to talk, so he sends random ambiguous signs instead.

 

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"Jews, Sabians and Christians—whoever ˹truly˺ believes in Allah and the Last Day and does good, there will be no fear for them, nor will they grieve."

Quran 5:69

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

This is a nice attempt to create an illusion of unity and continuity between some popular religions but if you believe in god in the Quranic way, you're not a Christian anymore. So, a Christian who believes in Quranic Allah is technically impossible.

 

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"Allah will say, 'O Jesus, Son of Mary, did you say to the people, "Take me and my mother as deities besides Allah?"'"

Quran 5:116

(Sahih International translation)

 

Allah doesn't know that Christian Trinity is not the Father, the Son, and the Mother.

 

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"Company of jinn... were disbelievers."

Quran 6:130

(Sahih International translation)

 

How can jinn, living in the spiritual world, be disbelievers?

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"Some cattle are fit for labour, others are too small. Eat of what Allah has provided for you and do not follow Satan’s footsteps."

Quran 6:142

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Is the Islamic devil a vegetarian and it pisses god off?

 

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"The residents of Paradise will call out to the residents of the Fire, 'We have certainly found our Lord’s promise to be true. Have you too found your Lord’s promise to be true?' They will reply, 'Yes, we have!'"

Quran 7:44

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Paradise and Hell are designed in such a way that Muslims from Paradise can laugh at tormented non-Muslins. A very noble activity.

 

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"Allah, who created the heavens and earth in six days"

Quran 7:54; similar: 10:3; 11:7; 50:38; 57:4

(Sahih International translation)

 

VS.

"Do you indeed disbelieve in He who created the earth in two days... He placed on it [i.e., the earth] firmly set mountains over its surface, and He blessed it and determined therein its [creatures'] sustenance in four days... Then He directed Himself to the heaven... And He completed them as seven heavens within two days"

Quran 41:9-12

(Sahih International translation)

 

6 days ≠ 8 days

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"Those who follow the Messenger, the unlettered prophet... they who have believed in him, honored him, supported him and followed the light which was sent down with him - it is those who will be the successful."

Quran 7:157

(Sahih International translation)

 

There is nothing wrong per se with being unable to read and write. But betting your life on the opinion of a person who hasn't read a single book is gambling.

 

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"If only you could see when the angels take the souls of the disbelievers, beating their faces and backs, ˹saying,˺ 'Taste the torment of burning!'"

Quran 8:50

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Pretty immature of angels if you visualize it.

 

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"Nothing will ever befall us except what Allah has destined for us."

Quran 9:51

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

What's the point of this real-life circus around us if Allah predefined everything already before it even started?

 

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"They have lost faith in Allah and His Messenger... let neither their wealth nor children impress you ˹O Prophet˺. Allah only intends to torment them through these things in this world"

Quran 9:84-85

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Allah punishes disbelievers by wealth and children and tells the adepts to not envy and keep dreaming. Nice.

 

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"Joseph responded, 'It was she who tried to seduce me.' And a witness from her own family testified: 'If his shirt is torn from the front, then she has told the truth and he is a liar. But if it is torn from the back, then she has lied and he is truthful.' So when her husband saw that Joseph’s shirt was torn from the back, he said ˹to her˺, 'This must be ˹an example˺ of the cunning of you ˹women˺! Indeed, your cunning is so shrewd!'"

Quran 12:26-28

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Inconclusive 'investigation' in the spirit of old tales followed by a generic conclusion about women's deficiency. A classic episode of low-quality stories.

 

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"Your Lord said to the angels, 'I am going to create a human being... fall down in prostration to him'. So the angels prostrated all together—but not Iblîs, who refused to prostrate with the others... Allah commanded, 'Then get out of Paradise, for you are truly cursed. And surely upon you is condemnation until the Day of Judgment.' Satan appealed, 'My Lord! Then delay my end until the Day of their resurrection.' Allah said, 'You will be delayed until the appointed Day.'"

Quran 15:28-38; similar: 38:73-81

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

This story feeds humans' pride of being higher than angels/jinns whom Allah told to bow to a human, despite it looking like idolatry, by the way. This story also demonstrates how Allah's perfect judgments can be altered by external comments, changing his verdict on the fly.

 

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"Satan responded, 'My Lord! For allowing me to stray I will surely tempt them on earth and mislead them all together, except Your chosen servants among them.'"

Quran 15:39-40

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Satan has nothing else to do than tempt people. In a believer's eyes, all the creation including other spiritual beings and everything else revolves around how they behave and especially how they use their genitals.

 

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"Mention in the Book ˹O Prophet, the story of˺ Mary... We sent to her Our angel... He responded, 'I am only a messenger from your Lord, ˹sent˺ to bless you with a pure son.' She wondered, 'How can I have a son when no man has ever touched me, nor am I unchaste?' He replied, 'So will it be!'"

Quran 19:16-21

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Hopefully, you already saw enough memes about Mary claiming a celestial impregnation when facing execution for premarital sex. There is nothing to add to them.

 

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"We have sent it down as an Arabic Qur’ān"

Quran 20:113

(Sahih International translation)

 

Because those who were making it all up didn't know other languages well enough. Allah's focus on the Arabic population is no less ludicrous than Yawheh's focus on the Jewish population.

 

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"Satan whispered to him, saying, 'O Adam! Shall I show you the Tree of Immortality?...' So they both ate from the tree"

Quran 20:120-121

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Eating from the Tree of Immortality would make Adam immortal and still alive, but Allah's tree of immortality apparently doesn't work. Or more likely, the story is fake.

 

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"As for poets, they are followed ˹merely˺ by deviants."

Quran 26:224

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Allah doesn't support poets.

 

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"Do you really lust after men instead of women? In fact, you are ˹only˺ a people acting ignorantly."

Quran 27:55

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

If Allah has a problem with homosexual people he shouldn't have created people who can be born homosexual. It's Allah who is the ignorant here.

 

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"We have adorned the lowest heaven with the stars for decoration and ˹for˺ protection from every rebellious devil. They cannot listen to the highest assembly ˹of angels˺ for they are pelted from every side, ˹fiercely˺ driven away."

Quran 37:6-9; similar: 41:12

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

"We adorned the lowest heaven with ˹stars like˺ lamps, and made them ˹as missiles˺ for stoning ˹eavesdropping˺ devils"

Quran 67:5

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Stars are apparently missiles shooting at curious devils at the lowest level of the heavens.

 

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"The tree of Zaqqûm... it is a tree that grows in the depths of Hell, bearing fruit like devils’ heads. The evildoers will certainly ˹be left to˺ eat from it, filling up their bellies with it. Then on top of that they will be given a blend of boiling drink. Then they will ultimately return to ˹their place in˺ Hell."

Quran 37:62-68, similar 44:43-48; 56:51-54; 88:2-7

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

Residents of hell will be taken to trips to the tree of Zaqqum to eat its awful fruit and drink boiling water.

 

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"Abraham said, 'O my dear son! I have seen in a dream that I ˹must˺ sacrifice you.'"

Quran 37:102

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

If today someone says that he is going to murder his kid because a voice in a dream told him to do it, most religious people would vote to isolate this person, if not more. But roll back a few thousand years, add religious fanfare to it and you get a 'father' of all believers, Abraham.

 

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"Whatever affliction befalls you is because of what your own hands have committed."

Quran 42:30

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

The author was completely blind to reality, thinking that the real world is fair in its punishments of evil deeds like this verse tries to tell you.

 

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"The cause is only against the ones who wrong the people and tyrannize upon the earth without right. Those will have a painful punishment."

Quran 42:42

(Sahih International translation)

 

Based on this description a painful punishment is for Allah.

 

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"[They will say], 'Our Lord, remove from us the torment; indeed, we are believers.'... We will remove the torment for a little. Indeed, you [disbelievers] will return [to disbelief]."

Quran 44:12-15

(Sahih International translation)

 

Allah is afraid that people in hell can become disbelievers again if the hellfire is tuned down a bit.

 

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"No disaster strikes upon the earth or among yourselves except that it is in a register before We bring it into being"

Quran 57:22

(Sahih International translation)

 

Allah has a book where he schedules disasters and executes them according to that schedule.

 

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"Allah has already ordained for you ˹believers˺ the way to absolve yourselves from your oaths."

Quran 66:2

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

A very convenient view at oaths.

 

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"Over it are nineteen [angels]."

Quran 74:30

(Sahih International translation)

 

Many Muslims love finding numeric patterns in the Quran and their meanings, counting how many times different words are mentioned, detecting sequences of something in the Quran, and so on. They believe that those numbers were put in place by god to be revealed to the most dedicated readers. But in reality, such patterns can be found in any random text long enough like the Quran. You just need to spend some time until you find something that happened to match, and some believers have a ton of time to waste on it, searching through the Quran.

 

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"Have you not seen ˹O Prophet˺ how your Lord dealt with the Army of the Elephant?... He sent against them flocks of birds, that pelted them with stones of baked clay"

Quran 105:1-4

(translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab)

 

God doesn't use this technique today anymore because birds with stones of baked clay don't help against tanks.